On popular demand: a masala post. Also, popular demand included taking digs at guys rather than girls for a change. Meh, so be it :D
---------------
The downside of being a guy who listens and can solve your problems is that sometimes all sorts of weird questions keep popping up, especially related to relationships and marriage. So here is an FAQ of sorts for all ye gentlemen who seek relationship/marriage advice from me. Ladies, you are a completely different ball game (no pun intended). I could probably write an entire new blog for the sort of questions and troubles you come up with. But today, we shall have a little man-to-man discussion:
Q: What are your credentials?
A: (Okay so folks don't ask me this, but I guess we need to clarify this first). My credentials in terms of marriage and relationships aren't spectacular. (Blog readers: yeah keep guessing :P) So any and all advice you get from me would consist mostly of my observations of other working or non-working relationships, or a few past experiences of my own personal life. In general, though, as you will find, I am pretty accurate in guessing what someone else is thinking and can therefore help you in lots of ways with this information.
Q: Does my girlfriend/fiance/would-be look pretty?
A: WTF. Seriously, that is one line I do not wish to cross. And use your own judgement - you will date/marry her... not I!
Q: I keep sending these messages and "express interests" to lots of people on shaadi.com but nobody replies.
A: Umm... I think the fact that your profile name reads "New_Seduction" might have something to do with it. Perhaps you confuse this with a dating website.
Q: When I try to tell her a solution to a problem in her life, she flares up.
A: Look, you don't need to solve something for her. She just needs to be assured that you care enough to listen.
Q: But I am already listening!
A: Egg-jaactly. Don't screw it up for yourself by opening your mouth.
Q: How do I impress her?
A: Very simple - get yourself into trouble on her behalf. Do her homework, clean her fridge, or simply pick a fight with some guy who was arguing with her over the solution to some math problem, lets say. Two-three punches ought-a do it.
Q: Don't know how to tell her that I love her.
A: It's not you, it's your hormones that love her. But if you seriously do, then you wouldn't need to ask me.
Q: How do I know if she is interested?
A: Does she get fidgety when you are around? Or remember sudden things to do? Or maybe behave like a klutz? Then she's probably interested.
Q: There is this one guy she keeps talking about all the time, I feel threatened.
A: Buddy, every girl has these one or two guy friends who she confides in and them you absolutely don't need to worry about.
Q: I'm interested, but I act stupid when I talk to her.
A: Ha ha at you.
Q: We were at this dinner together and then I spilled the whole glass of water onto her lap.
A: Ha ha ha ha.
Q: She tried to introduce me to this fat ugly girlfriend of hers.
A: Ha ha ho ho hee hee.
Q: I'm bored, I want to break up with her.
A: Oh I have a full post on that: A crash course in dumping girlfriends.
(This one has been my personal favourite) Q: We are in this relationship for so long, but how do I proceed to a little more "intimate" level?
A: hmmmmmmm
---------------
The downside of being a guy who listens and can solve your problems is that sometimes all sorts of weird questions keep popping up, especially related to relationships and marriage. So here is an FAQ of sorts for all ye gentlemen who seek relationship/marriage advice from me. Ladies, you are a completely different ball game (no pun intended). I could probably write an entire new blog for the sort of questions and troubles you come up with. But today, we shall have a little man-to-man discussion:
Q: What are your credentials?
A: (Okay so folks don't ask me this, but I guess we need to clarify this first). My credentials in terms of marriage and relationships aren't spectacular. (Blog readers: yeah keep guessing :P) So any and all advice you get from me would consist mostly of my observations of other working or non-working relationships, or a few past experiences of my own personal life. In general, though, as you will find, I am pretty accurate in guessing what someone else is thinking and can therefore help you in lots of ways with this information.
Q: Does my girlfriend/fiance/would-be look pretty?
A: WTF. Seriously, that is one line I do not wish to cross. And use your own judgement - you will date/marry her... not I!
Q: I keep sending these messages and "express interests" to lots of people on shaadi.com but nobody replies.
A: Umm... I think the fact that your profile name reads "New_Seduction" might have something to do with it. Perhaps you confuse this with a dating website.
Q: When I try to tell her a solution to a problem in her life, she flares up.
A: Look, you don't need to solve something for her. She just needs to be assured that you care enough to listen.
Q: But I am already listening!
A: Egg-jaactly. Don't screw it up for yourself by opening your mouth.
Q: How do I impress her?
A: Very simple - get yourself into trouble on her behalf. Do her homework, clean her fridge, or simply pick a fight with some guy who was arguing with her over the solution to some math problem, lets say. Two-three punches ought-a do it.
Q: Don't know how to tell her that I love her.
A: It's not you, it's your hormones that love her. But if you seriously do, then you wouldn't need to ask me.
Q: How do I know if she is interested?
A: Does she get fidgety when you are around? Or remember sudden things to do? Or maybe behave like a klutz? Then she's probably interested.
Q: There is this one guy she keeps talking about all the time, I feel threatened.
A: Buddy, every girl has these one or two guy friends who she confides in and them you absolutely don't need to worry about.
Q: I'm interested, but I act stupid when I talk to her.
A: Ha ha at you.
Q: We were at this dinner together and then I spilled the whole glass of water onto her lap.
A: Ha ha ha ha.
Q: She tried to introduce me to this fat ugly girlfriend of hers.
A: Ha ha ho ho hee hee.
Q: I'm bored, I want to break up with her.
A: Oh I have a full post on that: A crash course in dumping girlfriends.
(This one has been my personal favourite) Q: We are in this relationship for so long, but how do I proceed to a little more "intimate" level?
A: hmmmmmmm
your laugh sounds a little sadistic, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteQ. How will I know if she is 'the One'?
ReplyDeleteA. You will know becoz once you meet her, crows will fly away, tsunami will hit the shores, thunder and lightning will ensue. Yes, it's true.
You've been reading too many rediff comments havent you :P
ReplyDeleteI meant Rediff's loveguru column :P :P :P
ReplyDeleteManas, :) it is, indeed.
ReplyDeleteKiran, hehehe... ossum addition! :)
Supremus, oh the rediff comments section is always my favourite way of enjoying lazy evenings. Man they have some enthu. Haven't read the loveguru column yet... will dig up some day.
Well, well, experience or not, I found this answer to be the best of them all: :-D
ReplyDelete"Ha ha ha ha"
I have one comment abt this :)
ReplyDeleteQ: But I am already listening!
A: Egg-jaactly. Don't screw it up for yourself by opening your mouth.
Keeping your mouth totally shut may also screw ur chances. You have to make sympathetic noises. If you feel the sympathy, even better :p then the noise (don't make it sound like grunt) will come out naturally.
Nice spicy post...
ReplyDeleteMore spicy posts in future!
:)- sunshinenjoy
ReplyDeleteHari, hehe - my favourite too! :)
ReplyDeleteSup, welcome to the blog! Yep - the only words from your mouth should be "I understand". Thats the panacea.
Varun, :) thank you bhai.
Sunshinenjoy, thanks.
d most frequently askd ques i thnk a guy asks his frnd is dis....
ReplyDeleteQ) Who was d 1 standing nxt 2 u dat day, can i hav her no. plzzz?
A) Damn it, already have tens on either side n still need anoder 1!!!
Shagufta, you see, that is an ideal world where one would actually pay to be! But in the world we live in, well, I think it is the other way around. :(
ReplyDeletehahaha....i thnk its possibl both waz but still ull hardly find a gal askng dis ques....
ReplyDeletenewaz haf d guys live so wid tens on either side.....may b ur out of d rat race!!!!! ;-)
Shagufta, if you can refrain from using the SMS lingo too much in the comments section, it will be easier for me to actually read the comment :) And I must add, "please" :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I most certainly am out of the rat race hunting for tens on either side! :)