A crash course in dumping girlfriends

Before you ask, no I did not dump any of my girlfriends this weekend. :)

Since the Singles' Awareness Day Valentine's Day is over, I am guessing its time to rethink if all those roses and chocolates were worth it. Well, actually, maybe the roses and chocolates were, (they don't cost that much, right?). But the tough part was listening to why the lipsticks didn't match the dress she wore that day. Oh did I say that was tough? That was the easy part. The tough part was definitely listening to how her best friend's boyfriend does this and that, or even that one sensitive guy "friend" is such a gentleman and all that (which of course you aren't). Admit it, it gets on your nerves. And then of course there's the endless tirade against guys and her asking you to explain why guys do this and that, why they ogle, why they don't cry while watching Notting Hill and blah blah blah blah blah blah (hehe... thats all that you remember from the yak-yak-yak, don't you?) :D So here is a crash course in dumping girlfriends and getting a favourable excuse to hit on that hot chick get drunk. The following compilation is a collection of ideas from various sources, and I don't claim they're too original.

First of all, what not to say. Yeah this you need to know before you decide what to actually say. Examples: (referring to the other girl) "She's everything you used to be before you became this". Or, for example, "You are an investment with no return". See, thats the sort of thing you say when you expect to be called a "lesser" man in return. [ P.S. - Ladies, take note: that one can do some damage! ] So these are things you wouldn't want to say.

So did you think over how to do it yet? Nothing to worry about -- here are three priceless ideas. First, try the Russell Peters way. Ask her to cook eggs (note -- not to lay eggs!). When she asks if you want omelettes or boiled eggs, thunder out - "Both!". And then once she prepares both, tell her that she boiled the wrong egg and therefore you're breaking up.

Okay okay so you thought that one might not work. Well, here's another idea. Tell her brother that you want his permission before you go to the next "base" with her. That will definitely take care of the "break-up". Oh all right, I get it, you're very desperate and these seem long winded methods. The simplest method? Send her a weighing machine! :D


"Well, what can I say at the special moment, if I still want to do it in person?", you ask. Don't worry -- there are enough lines there too! The standard ones: "You know you're a great girl, right?", "Its not you, its me!", "You deserve better than me". See, these lines paint you black and let her go away feeling better. But there are alternatives if you want a share of the "self-respect" pie as well. For example, you could say "Aren't 5 years long enough already?". Oh wait -- thats one of those lines you should not say. My bad. You could rephrase it like, "You know, after five years, I think we also need to explore other options". Or maybe "I'm trying to quit my ganja habits: you can help by not showing up". But seriously, the best breakup line: "So long, and thanks for the kiss"! :D

Finally, what can be a parting gift? Remember, whatever you give might be hurled back at you. So bouquets, individual flowers, handkerchiefs, wad of tissue paper: all great ideas. Steam iron (to iron out differences), pair of scissors (cutting of the link), that old half-eaten bottle of jam sitting in your fridge (kuchh meetha ho jaaye): not so good ideas. And whatever you do, don't go deliver the weighing machine in person! :D

So here's wishing you a love-ly yeah ahead... may you be blessed with the right person for life, and may you not be cursed with anyone otherwise!

Comments

  1. The question of Dumping comes only after you have a girlfriend around. Now we need a crash course for 'Making' girlfriends

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  2. haha.. you seem to be an expert on non constructive relationship activities!!

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  3. Totally LOL! Now can you also tell how to dump boyfriends? ;) You can complete the series!

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  4. why would anyone cry while watching the Matrix? What kind of women have you been dating?

    Sky

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  5. Jeevan, oh all right -- will teach that to you folks some time :)

    Galadriel, of course! Lets just say I make more opportunities ;)

    Alpine Path, umm... maybe you're better off without knowing my ideas from me. That post can cause me to get "broken-up", if you know what I mean.

    Sky, heh... exactly my questions! :P

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  6. Hehe...typical 'Sudipta' Style...
    Hows was your valentines day, Btw...
    lol
    Good one, Bhai :)

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  7. I have to agree with Sky there...

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  8. And the source of the wisdom would be personal experience? ;) We dont count anecdotal experiences of other ppl as worthy source of such important gyaan! :P

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  9. hehe.. interesting read! seems like you are quite experienced in this matter! :)
    btw, I am kinda new reader of your blogs - liked quite a few of your posts.. Keep posting! :)

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  10. would be good if you can back this up with personal success rates!
    anumits

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  11. Varun, bhai sab mast idhar! Like I said, it was Singles' Awareness Day for me :)

    Mala, I'm tempted to change that Matrix word there to Notting Hill (probably would). But one doesn't need to go through all that to know.

    Ellie, awww... did I touch a raw nerve there? Did you boil the wrong egg for someone? :P

    Tanwistha, welcome onboard! And thanks for making my day by telling me that I have a new follower of my blog.

    About the experience, no ma'am -- you don't need to stab yourself with a knife to know that it hurts :)

    Anumita, personal success in dumping girlfriends?! You have too high an opinion of me :)

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  12. You are brilliant sudipta,
    A genius I must say,
    Mr Mutalik would love to have you in his brigade, ever thought of joining him??

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  13. Mampi, heh, even if you were sarcastic, I completely knew I was a genius all along :)

    About Mr Mutalik's brigade... tempting, but I guess I'll get him divorced himself if he sticks around for too long around me :)

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  14. LOL.........nice 1....i desperatly want 2 read an articl bout how 2 differentiat n decipher guys.....al seem d same 2 me....22 yrs of existnc in dis wrld hasnt given me enuf knowleg n enlightmnt so as 2 understand dis rare species!!!

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  15. Shagufta, first of all, look around, seriously... we aren't a rare species at all! Did you happen to read the desi romeo guide? That will definitely help you a lot! :)

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