A crash course in dumping girlfriends

Before you ask, no I did not dump any of my girlfriends this weekend. :)

Since the Singles' Awareness Day Valentine's Day is over, I am guessing its time to rethink if all those roses and chocolates were worth it. Well, actually, maybe the roses and chocolates were, (they don't cost that much, right?). But the tough part was listening to why the lipsticks didn't match the dress she wore that day. Oh did I say that was tough? That was the easy part. The tough part was definitely listening to how her best friend's boyfriend does this and that, or even that one sensitive guy "friend" is such a gentleman and all that (which of course you aren't). Admit it, it gets on your nerves. And then of course there's the endless tirade against guys and her asking you to explain why guys do this and that, why they ogle, why they don't cry while watching Notting Hill and blah blah blah blah blah blah (hehe... thats all that you remember from the yak-yak-yak, don't you?) :D So here is a crash course in dumping girlfriends and getting a favourable excuse to hit on that hot chick get drunk. The following compilation is a collection of ideas from various sources, and I don't claim they're too original.

First of all, what not to say. Yeah this you need to know before you decide what to actually say. Examples: (referring to the other girl) "She's everything you used to be before you became this". Or, for example, "You are an investment with no return". See, thats the sort of thing you say when you expect to be called a "lesser" man in return. [ P.S. - Ladies, take note: that one can do some damage! ] So these are things you wouldn't want to say.

So did you think over how to do it yet? Nothing to worry about -- here are three priceless ideas. First, try the Russell Peters way. Ask her to cook eggs (note -- not to lay eggs!). When she asks if you want omelettes or boiled eggs, thunder out - "Both!". And then once she prepares both, tell her that she boiled the wrong egg and therefore you're breaking up.

Okay okay so you thought that one might not work. Well, here's another idea. Tell her brother that you want his permission before you go to the next "base" with her. That will definitely take care of the "break-up". Oh all right, I get it, you're very desperate and these seem long winded methods. The simplest method? Send her a weighing machine! :D


"Well, what can I say at the special moment, if I still want to do it in person?", you ask. Don't worry -- there are enough lines there too! The standard ones: "You know you're a great girl, right?", "Its not you, its me!", "You deserve better than me". See, these lines paint you black and let her go away feeling better. But there are alternatives if you want a share of the "self-respect" pie as well. For example, you could say "Aren't 5 years long enough already?". Oh wait -- thats one of those lines you should not say. My bad. You could rephrase it like, "You know, after five years, I think we also need to explore other options". Or maybe "I'm trying to quit my ganja habits: you can help by not showing up". But seriously, the best breakup line: "So long, and thanks for the kiss"! :D

Finally, what can be a parting gift? Remember, whatever you give might be hurled back at you. So bouquets, individual flowers, handkerchiefs, wad of tissue paper: all great ideas. Steam iron (to iron out differences), pair of scissors (cutting of the link), that old half-eaten bottle of jam sitting in your fridge (kuchh meetha ho jaaye): not so good ideas. And whatever you do, don't go deliver the weighing machine in person! :D

So here's wishing you a love-ly yeah ahead... may you be blessed with the right person for life, and may you not be cursed with anyone otherwise!