Editor’s note: the following is a transcript of the valedictorian speech which was delivered by the top ranked graduate from WhatsApp University, 2020.
My fellow devouts, idealist numbskulls, and meme gamers,
I stand before you today, as a proud graduate of WhatsApp University. You have toiled with me by forwarding innumerable solid facts (#OthersCallItFakeNews), you have fiercely defended the “truthiness” of videos you have received from others, and definitely cursed WhatsApp for not allowing us to forward the same message to more than five people. To that end, and looking at the innumerable people whose opinions we have changed via civil discourse over the internet, I say - well done!
I am reminded of the immortal words of Finley Peter Dunne that we read at the very beginning of our curriculum, “A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.” The next time someone calls you a fanatic, wear that badge with honor. You do it with the same elan with which we’ve come to embrace being called devouts. We must continue to immediately act on any facts we learn from our beloved WhatsApp. If Coronavirus was cooked in your local city’s Chinatown, if bovine flesh is being illegally traded - we must gather our pitchforks humble tridents, and rush to the rescue of said victim to mete out punishment to those responsible. In fact, as we’ve practiced so far, remember to go beyond teaching a man to fish - teach them a lesson they are unlikely to forget anytime soon! Never, I repeat, never accept justice from the law while vengeance remains an option for a perceived insult. All hail our team of self-appointed vigilantes!
Remember, you are the victim here. No matter what the lamestream media says, we know that there is a grand conspiracy going on where all the big tech companies, the media empires, the soap operas, and even the cartoons are in on it! We are persecuted for propagating things we just feel in our bones to be true, or for forwarding messages that we just so desperately want to be true. These so-called editors and journalists just give us truth-purveyors a bad name. The educated intelligentsia say that we represent divisive, fundamentalist, orthodox viewpoints, but we are the true global citizens! Our fake news messages penetrate everywhere and everything from American cities to the villages of rural India. Naysayers may accuse us that our posts stand for violence and hatred, but our true intent is to disburse morsels of peace because we believe in the motto, “might is right”. We alone know what is true, and it all comes from the holiest of holey holy sources of information, you know the name I am talking about - come on now… “WHATSAPP”!! Always remember our motto, “WhatsApp University: where facts are not facts and truth isn’t true”.
Live reporter’s note: at this point the virtual hall burst into applause and one could see many flying spaghetti monsters atop winged chariots.
But I must warn you, there are those who lurk among us who wish to take us down. These fact-checkers and self-appointed sleuths who wish to dig deep into any story or forwarded message we send to them. I can hear you groan in the audience; believe me - I detest them too! I wish I could tell you what they can gain out of creating nuisance like this - by seeking the truth. Always tell these people that we see proof of our belief everywhere. Ask them to explain how the three-eyed babies are born by eating too much yogurt, and how it is common in Africa to eat elephant poo to gain virile strength and fertility! Ask them, I tell you, if they can explain how ancient civilizations like ours were able to fly to the moon, have trans-cranial brain transplants and achieve so much winning (in science)! They cannot as usual… they’ll scoff at our breadth of knowledge. We, the graduates of WhatsApp university must live and die by our adage by Mark Twain: “Never let the truth come in the way of a good story”.
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Image courtesy: LCMediaHouse.
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