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What you did not hear me say

 I always wonder about the things left unsaid at social gatherings. The benign condescending smile, the fake laugh, the artificial excitement of meeting your "friend" after a while - I almost feel it is a minefield of social faux pas out there when you walk into a gathering! And the trouble is that I don't get most of it.It almost makes me feel like I want both lemon and cream in my tea.

I have noticed the following three ways where you can definitely be sure you have said the wrong thing or taken the wrong side:

1. When, following your "expression of doubt" at a person's statement, she asks what your problem in life is. :D This question is usually accompanied by a half smile, glancing away from you and seeking others who might join in the smile, taking a dramatic sip of extremely hot tea which in itself leads to a further curled lip while executing the smile. You might want to take a mental note at this time of what a balloon looks like just when you've jussst punctured it.
Remedy: Declare that you have a problem with everyone and everything in life.

2. When, you mention something too "gross" for the present company (who secretly relish hearing the words and also drool over the fact that they can bitch about it later on). The scandalized look on their faces is nothing you should be worried about - you just made them feel awesomely superior and reaffirmed their faith in their own child's innocence. The priceless expressions around you are worth noting for their intrinsic and uncanny similarity with a furious Mayawati.

3. When you wife/girlfriend gives you "the pinch". You know what and when it happens. The priceless expression to note at this time is your own (quick - go find a mirror!), since you know what is coming while you try to desperately figure out what are the million ways in which you just screwed it up for yourself! :D


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