Do's and don'ts when riding in her car

My wife and I recently had the "privilege" of riding with an acquaintance in her car. While I am happy to report that the two of us survived the ride, I thought it would be prudent to let everyone else know that such a driver is out on the roads. Also, it is important to have these tips handy so that you don't die of heart attack while you are riding inside the car with her. So, brace yourself (and you must do this literally too) and read on...

You might be proud of yourself that you have driven cars in India and you can deal with any kind of traffic - nothing scares you. But my dear tough guy, trust me when I say that you will desperately hang on to that seatbelt of yours. See, in India, you try to save yourself and maneuver around "stuff". In this case, you belong to the stuff. And what scares you is that the rest of the people on the road haven't driven a car in India.

First things first: she will put on her seatbelt, eventually, but after about 5 mins of getting on the freeway. However, within about 30 seconds of her starting the car, you would hastily double check your own seatbelt. The reason: she got honked at twice when she was backing up her car from the parking spot. The calmness with which she zooms back without checking her rearview mirror or glancing back would convince you that she has taken some Art of Living courses, and taken them all too seriously.

Next, you need to learn from her the fine art of drifting across traffic lanes. Similar to the motivational proverb which says "Real men don't use recipes", she can be a champion of the proverb "Real women don't use indicators". Or, for that matter, "Real drivers don't need traffic lanes". So, when she is driving, don't volunteer on her behalf to look out the window at the poor soul in the next lane who had to scurry out of the way. Do keep yourself leaned against the seat at all times. Because you never know when either she would glance at the mirror and save all your lives, or the air bags would pop out and your rib cage would be saved.

A few final words (besides "May your soul rest in peace") for you. Don't flinch when she takes the exit at the last minute and almost hits the yellow splitters full of water cans and old tires. The important thing is she almost missed them (remember the Art of Living calm on her face, and follow the lead). Don't fret when she ignores stop signs or rolls through a red light right in front of incoming traffic - the important thing is that you are still alive. Concentrate on the little joys of life, laugh at the great anecdotes she tells you while staring at you straight for 1 minute without looking at the road, and watch how she deftly fumbles through the CD changer while the steering wheel is used as a handrest. You will definitely find yourself hanging on to the seatbelt at the end of the ride. I told you so, right?