An illustrated guide to peeing in the men's restroom

Warning: this post contains "adult" diagrams and innuendos which may not be suitable for minors. If you believe you can be offended by such, please stop reading now! Hah - I know now that you are DEFINITELY going to read this, aren't you? :D

In the comments of all the previous guides which I have released, including the Desi Juliet Guide and the Desi Tourists' Guide to Desi Tourists (DTGDT), there have been requests for photographs to accompany the descriptions. While I wish I could pander to your voyeuristic guilty pleasures, taking photographs in a men's restroom with the explicit purpose of posting them online is not in the best interests of my health. Instead, I have volunteered the artwork featured in this post myself. As the final note of disclaimer, in spite of the point of exit of the fluid from the human body being clearly visible in the diagrams, the length of the exhaust mechanism (or the absence of one, for that matter) does not necessarily imply a correlation between the category of people and the length of their egos. :)

The "normal" person is supposed to go into the men's restroom, find an empty stall, empty his bladder completely and only into the urinal, wash his hands and leave. However, when you typically walk into the men's restroom in a bar, a restaurant, or your office, you will find smelly stuff where they shouldn't be. Some of it is yellow below the urinal, whereas on, in and below the basin you will find white "stuff". If you have ever wondered how this happens, look no further - this guide shall literally illuminate your curious mind.

Ready, take aim, shoot!

If you ever wondered why men continually over-estimate the length of their sprinkler, you shall find the answer by observing this category of men in the restroom. They stand five feet away from the urinal, and continuously try to reach their mark through trial and error. The resulting sum of such "errors" accumulates below the urinal. This is also a self-perpetuating and self-resurrecting category. As in, if the person before you has accomplished his urination feat from five feet away and therefore there is a five foot trail of yellow leading to the urinal stall, your sprinkler's length is automatically challenged and you enter the contest from six feet away. This progression of "pole" vaults ultimately establishes the clear winner in the situation: the janitor!

Let her dangle

This next category of  men truly believe in freedom of speech, expression, and penises. The "look ma, no hands" fan club appoints them (by unanimous vote) to their highest (and longest) office, the duties of which are solely to recruit new followers by demonstrating their art. This "art" consists of teaching Brownian motion to Mr. Johnson, by letting said junior dangle on his own and create new art forms. The color of this art is yellow, and the palette cum canvas consist of every inch of space in, on and around the urinal.

Heads down

People have never held their heads in so much shame as those in this category. Perhaps they are too drunk. Perhaps they are too tired. Or perhaps, simply, they have so much on their mind that the head needs additional support when they stand. Whichever the case may be, these people need to have exact top-level visibility when they are executing this dreadful task. What a delight it must be to look proudly at Mr. Johnson when he is at his charming best!

Light and sound

The restroom represents liberation to a lot of us. Stuck in a boring meeting? Go take a break in the restroom. Or are you trying to solve a particularly challenging problem and can't figure it out? Visit the men's restroom! Or let us just call a spade a spade: if you have an urgent solid output issue and are running short on time, the closest you can come to finding short term relief is to stand in front of a urinal and let the guns go blazing on both barrels! Sometimes a belch at the other end of the barrels as well, perhaps? Ahh the sense of relief after releasing a thunderbolt with some showers...

Blabbermouth

People of this kind have to occur in pairs for maximum efficiency. Unlike women, we can't say to one another, "Come let us go to the restroom together". However, that should not stop us from continuing our bitching about team-members intellectual conversation even when we are contributing fluids to our ecosystem.They must fiercely use this unique opportunity to strike up conversations with long lost colleagues standing next to them. God damn the leather shoes. And who cares if the sign on the wall says, "The floor is out of order... please use the urinal". It is critical to the survival of the human race that you two must converse at this very moment!

Splash-a-dash

Oh well... so we are done with the fluid additions to mother earth. It is time to rinse your hands, wash 'em with soap and then rinse again, clean with paper towels or air dryer, and leave... hurray! Not so fast, machchi! What will the world ever come to if you did not wash your face and dig up your nose as well while you are at it? Splash some water here... make sure when you throw water at your own face and eyes it bounces off to at least the next basin if not further. How else will people know that you are emerging fresh?

Lather ma' blather

Last, and perhaps the most innocuous, are these people who believe in taking cleanliness to the next level. They brush their teeth, a few shave too! And the lather and foam that drips from their chin while they are going scsheee scsheee scsheee over their teeth makes you wonder how come the toothbrush doesn't travel down south as well? Would it make the same sound there? While you stand there craving to see this celestial sight, the man leaves the restroom after politely nodding to you once. Oh there might be sprinkles of white all over the basin. And yeah so what if the mirror in front of you is all white-stained and dripping ugly. That person has just demonstrated exquisite personal hygiene for your benefit.