Smart answers to smart-ass questions

Too often, we come across these nose-poking friends, aunts, cousins and grandmas who always want to know why you aren't running your life the way they think you should be running. If you are already 29 and you don't have a better half yet, when will it be? If you have been married for four years and don't have a kid yet, did you check with the doctor? As funny as these questions might be, I am sure some of you have been bombarded by these at some time. I heard a few of these answers below from other sources (fellow blogger Manasa and I were just talking about this recently). The others, trust me, are my very own.

Lets talk about how I discovered this wonderful technique. I believe in the concept of telling people exactly what they want to hear. One of my landlord's grand-daughter used to come to my room-mate and I for help when we were preparing for our 12th standard exams. Too often, she would come to us with a drawing or a sketch of some kind and ask us, "This is poor, isn't it?". And then she would listen intently as we tried to argue with her, "Oh no no no... what are you talking about... this picture is nice!" and so forth. One day she came in with the usual painting and asked her usual question. This time, I decided to try a different track. I replied, "Yeah you are right - it looks horrible" with a pretty sad face. She was scandalized. "Oh really?", she asked.
- "Well, you said it was bad, right?"
- "Oh but I said it just like that, so that you can tell me that it is in fact a good painting"
- "Oh I'm sorry dear... but I thought that is what you wanted to hear. But see, you already know it is good, why do you seek approval like this? Of course it is a good job... and you are in fact getting better! Come on, go out there and keep working at more!"
She went away sort of happy and sad at the same time. That, dear readers, was the origin of the species. :)

Well so then, here are some sample questions the standard answer to which should be "And why the f*** is this any of your business?". But alas, we can't call all paintings ugly and so here are a few answers which you are free to use. And when you tell these, make sure you add enough doses of "attitude" ;). Remember, tell them exactly what they want to hear: :D

Q: You are 28 already. Aren't you going to get married? So, when can I come to eat at your wedding?

• - When it happens, You'll be the first to know and then you can come and pig out all you like.
• - Oh very soon... I already have a boyfriend. (Really?) Yeah he works for the NASA (Wow! Oh seriously, come on, what does he do?) He is in charge of checking air pressure of all the trucks there.
• - Well, umm... don't tell this to anyone, but I am not sure I am a girl anymore.

Q: You have been married for four years now. Aren't you going to have any kids? (Variant: on the day of your wedding, they can ask, "So when can I expect to see a grand-nephew of mine?")

• - We had one, but my wife was too hungry in the maternity ward so she ate him off.
• - Well, umm, no can do. We tried a few times.(Add the short comment "target practice, y'know" for added effect). Premature ejaculation!
• - I can tell you only if you promise you would put that magic wand of yours away.

Q: What is your salary?

• - Never enough, you know, what with all these bills of these expensive massages and these personal accountants and stuff like that.
• - Heh heh heh... now how can I give you a number that doesn't embarrass you?
  
• - Yeah I think I can afford to hire you.

Q: What, you don't have a girlfriend? Heh heh heh, that is kind of the status symbol these days you know. My son has had one right from his first year at college.

• - Ah yes, I know... I don't date fourth-hand stuff.
• - Yeah as I was telling you, your son's room is always so noisy at night. Never understood why... hmm... oh I'm sorry what were you saying?
• - Oh is that what he told you? (After this, suppress a smirk and then make a serious face that says, "Damn should I tell her about this?")

I actually have a few more question-answers, but well, they are not so much shareable here :) Yeah I know, if I could type whatever I typed above, everything should be fair game. Trust me, it ain't :D