Top 10 ways of spiking your blog traffic

Okay, so you've been on the blogging track for quite a while. You began by looking at a few blogs with high readership (at least going by the comment count). Then you thought... what the eff, I can definitely do better! So you began by publishing a blog of your own. Some of your friends were forced to read the first few posts, but then nobody really cared if your cat had cereals or fish bones for dinner last night. Which, admit it, was all you could think about after a month. After some time, even tempting emails such as "Hey dude I just moved my blog from blogspot to wordpress, take a look!" didn't seem to work. And the fact that everybody knew the one digg on that post of yours was your own doesn't really help matters. So worry not -- here are the top 10 surefire ways of increasing blog traffic (or at least these are guaranteed to spike your traffic for a day):

10. Pataofy blog aggregators

You see, we are all human. So find the blog aggregator websites like blogbharti or desipundit and locate the contributors. Visit their blogs, swear your undying loyalty to the flair and flamboyance in writing on their own blogs, and one fine morning you'll find your blog has featured on one of these hallowed websites! Heh.. nothing like a little butter on the bread. We also accept dollars, BTW ;)
*ahem* - I'm on blogbharti... * wink - wink *

9. Review stuff, or rather snob at everything

Pretend to read lots of books and watch a lot of movies. Google for reviews, and whichever word salad seems to be the best, post it as your own on your blog. This in itself will not help so much, but if you start commenting on others' blogs or review websites with a link to your blog saying "This movie was trash: here's why", someone will definitely go over to see what exactly you thought was trash about "Swades" or "To Kill a Mocking Bird".

8. Meta blogging

Write about blogging: how it is a health hazard, why it is such a great mass media, what might be the future of blogs, what kind of bloggers you hate, who you like, or even, how to retain your blog readers -- there, I gave you at least 5 different post topics! Go rush and write about them before someone else does! Oh, BTW, writing a post titled "Top 10 ways of spiking your blog traffic" will also help ;)

7. Do tags, memes, quizzes, awards

The works, basically. Religiously hunt for tags on all blogs, and whenever lazy bloggers leave the tag passing game as "take up the tag if you're interested" or "and I tag you, the reader", jump at it! Haha... the suckers, they don't know what they're missing out on. Modify the tag so that it requires you to link to 20 other bloggers. And then on each of these blogs you pass the meme to, leave a comment asking them to take up the tag. No you don't really have to know the victim to leave such a request. I guarantee... a full week of at least one tag/award/quiz a day and you'll find an unprecedented number of comments on your blog.

6. Make your blog's link the mantra of your life

Advertisement flooding, or rather mass hysteria -- thats the key. Put your blog's link everywhere you can think about: IM status messages, email signatures, Orkut, facebook accounts. In fact, if you can something like something like "Hi, I'm crazy4u from crazy4ulover.blogspot.com" as your pick-up line at a pub, the girl is sure to check what exactly got you so crazy.

5. Humour -- especially if you were at the receiving end

No seriously, it works! You messed up in the kitchen and your can of Coke exploded inside the microwave? Cool!! Some enunch grasped your crotch because you refused to pay up the five rupees? Awesome, write about it and pretty soon yours will be among the most emailed posts around.

4. Spam blogs with comments

... and look for suckers like you. Basically, you scratch my back I scratch yours. Come up with a pithy one-size-fits-all like "Hmm very interesting post! Have been following your blog for a while and will be linking to it. Please link to my blog as well at crazy4ulover.blogspot.com". Trust me, you only need to strike gold with just one of these blogs --- very soon your back will be scratched raw.

3. Pick a fight

Become an MKC that is (Malicious Known Commenter). Go to popular blogs and start attacking people personally: "you suck, your opinions make no sense, in fact even your posts' titles are crap". One of them will surely take the bait. And the blogosphere always loves a little entertainment in public -- for a change, people definitely want to learn innovative ways of slandering rather than whether your cat pooped in the morning or not. Go to hardcore feminist blogs and leave messages like "all women are morons", go to blogs with multiple contributors and start methodically cauterizing each contributor. Sooner or later, the group will take action and you will "get some action" ;)

2. Love

... especially proposals and breakups. Awww... who doesn't love them. Talk about how your man proposed at the right time in such a romantic place. You had never imagined him that way or never thought you might get proposed to that evening. Ahh, but don't mention that you wore a very special dress to that dinner... everyone is supposed to believe that you were taken unawares, remember? Or if this doesn't work, fake a break-up. And paint him black and blue. Talk about all the male chauvinistic traits and how the bastard fit each of them to the tee. If nothing else, some knights in shining armour and some would be Princess Xena-s will definitely come to the rescue.

1. Sex

Ahh... sex, drugs and you. The hormones, the little skin that showed. How you found the girl hot, or even how you got laid with that fictional chick. But I gotta tell ya, if you can start a blog pretending to be a girl and write about little giggly escapades, heh heh heh... boy you're gonna be famous! The little tease, the girl who wishes the guys in her classroom would take the hint, the steamed up office executive who dumps boyfriends every month and swaps tongues with the rest of the romeos... believe me after some time you might actually begin to wish you were born a girl! :D

So long, and thanks for the comments! Add to the list if you can: I could use a few spare 'tips' :D