Fun with dick and name

A lot of people have asked me over the years why I was given a girl's name: Sudipta. Actually, in Bengali you pronounce it as Sudipto, but the correct translation from Sanskrit is Sudipta. Sort of like you call Ram as Rama, सुदीप्त gets written as Sudipta. In the US, almost everyone struggles to pronounce my name. So I ease it for them, by saying "Call me Su". I am told there is also a song that goes by that name, but we're digressing here.

The fun with having a name that spells like that of a girl is that a lot of people also assume that you're a girl when they haven't met you. This includes email groups, mailing lists, potential employers, pen-pals... the list goes on. Some people are heartbroken when they come to know about this: one dude from Bangalore even added me on his IM, called me via Google Talk, and then upon hearing my voice decided to commit suicide (well, almost). :D On the other hand, when girls interact with me, they assume that I'm a girl. And then they come to know the truth, they are very surprised (and I always pray to God that they should be 'pleasantly' surprised). But I don't know whether that adjective applies.

So when I am bored, once or twice a year I log into a Yahoo chat room. My yahoo id begins with 'sudipta', so it is usually a lot of fun getting into these chat rooms. You wouldn't believe the incredible amount of pick-up lines I've learned by visiting them. As soon as I enter, about 10-12 windows open up within a couple of minutes. The usual ones go as "22/m/mumbai" or "hi, wanna chat?". But there are some extreme lameass shayaris such as "Aap aaye to jaise is chatroom mein chand aa gaya" (When you joined the chatroom, it was as if the moon shone here). And of course, there are some slimy gropers who begin with "Hey baby what are you wearing today?". :D I am usually grinning when these IMs pop up, but it is fun playing along and then shattering their mental image in the end. One guy, however, even in the end of the chat refused to believe me, until I had to release a barrage of words we used in engineering hostels to express ourselves. He was very convinced after that :D And don't even get me started on the way the queen's language is sodomized in such conversations.

One of these days, I was extremely bored, and I mean extremely bored. So I joined a chat room in Kolkata which had enough members. Pretty soon, a lot of IM windows popped up. After explaining to a few people that I wasn't interested, one guy seemed particularly desperate to chat: part sleazy messages, some random shayari, some emoticons of roses, etc.. It became a torture answering the interrogation: where do I live, what do I study, how many siblings do I have. And the guy wouldn't go away.

Now I had this brilliant idea... what cannot be cured must be endured! I became the cute-eyed damsel in distress and told him that I am new to the whole chatting thing. I had just come there because someone suggested this for some personal help I needed: some private counselling. Needless to say, this guy was very interested. Within 5 minutes he divulged everything about himself: such and such college, 4th year, living in hostel, home in this place, etc. He was even prepared to come down to meet me! Now he was very curious about what private and personal counselling I needed. So I explained:

- I'm 26 years old, and my parents have fixed my marriage.
- oh you don want arranged married? Wanna love marriage?
- Not exactly... I don't know anything about sex.
- o.k. I can tell you everything! Pretend that I'm your husband and it is the suhag raat
. . .
. . .

What followed was a complete description of what you can imagine. While I rolled about on my bed laughing, this guy proceeded to explain the intricate details of what clothings look like, et cetera. Every once in a while, I would interrupt by saying, "You cannot do that!" or "No, I will not allow it..." and he would proceed at length to explain why it should be 'allowed'. And while he was at it, I was laughing... I think I even fell off the bed in glee once. :D Finally, when it was time for him to show his assets, it became too much for me to handle. As a guy, as long as someone is describing female features, it is okay: but otherwise it gets a little nauseating. I suddenly typed in all caps: "OMG YOUR DICK IS SO SMALL -- ONLY 2 INCHES!!'. The guy was scandalized. He tried to convince me so earnestly, "No no no ... it is really long". And at this time I was almost in tears while laughing. And I did the best thing I could imagine -- I suddenly logged off. :D