One hundred percent?

The student had almost dropped her jaws to the floor when she asked that. "Oh yes, arranged marriages are one hundred percent a reality in India and most of the Indian subcontinent, I think" --- I had said. I was having the conversation with a Romanian girl from my research group while we had gone for an outing after our semester was over. And she seemed scandalized. I had to clarify my statement... "Well, the point is, an arranged marriage is an option for every young man or woman in India if they don't find a partner themselves".

We had been discussing a lot of issues that afternoon. Stereotypes such as "Asian/Indian men are shy" or "Indian women don't cheat" and many such things. It was quite interesting, sitting in a group that had one person from India, one from Romania, one Chinese one Bulgarian and one American student, and discussing these issues. From a larger or a global perspective, it was really interesting to find that the concept of an 'arranged marriage' didn't really exist beyond our borders. Yes, people from other countries do meet occasionally through their parents: but the whole issue of matchmaking is a completely different game here. So, when I tried to explain that I grew up like a thousand other young boys around me sound and safe in the belief that when the time to marry comes up and if I haven't found anyone by then, my parents will be there to find a good girl for me; it was really inconceivable for them.

I had to explain the whole concept of families meeting, background checks, boy meeting girl and then a longer time and list of subsequent meetings. I had to confirm for them that the first person you meet is not your only choice... people sometimes take years looking for the 'right' person. I also learned about their cultures: how dates are set up, how they meet people and how they also try to spend a long time with each other before the question of marriage comes up. But the conversation had also set me thinking about the stereotypes and the whole debate of the arranged versus love marriage, etc.

As I understand it for now, the reason why Indian men/women are considered shy by these people is that we don't have the evolutionary pressure to be able to find someone for ourselves, by ourselves. At the back of the head, we would always know that someone will be available through our parents and we can use that option. We see all through our childhoods about the innumerable arranged marriages working around us, with almost zero divorce rates, and so there is no reason to not count on that as a backup option. Besides, ours is a pretty conservative society and in a way, divorce is rarely an option. Education and awareness are spreading, yes... but it will be a long time before we land into rates such as the UK where 1 in 3 marriages break up.

It works both ways, for guys as well as girls. Both the sexes have marriage and commitment jitters, and both of them are on the constant hunt for the good partner: if possibly for life. Therefore, in places where the concept of an arranged marriage doesn't exist, websites advertising "how to catch him and keep him", or "what a girl looks for in a date" are popular. Girls here in the US do therefore have to find the right guys for themselves, and so do the boys, vice versa. In India on the other hand, the need doesn't exist so strenuously and therefore the taboo impositions on girls against "encouraging" men are in vogue.

The other important point is perhaps peer pressure. If everyone in your colony has a boyfriend, or the whole gang of guys you go and play soccer with have girlfriends: you will feel the necessity of getting someone in your life: somehow it adds to the coolness factor. More importantly, at that time, nobody really thinks of marriage and all --- it is just a relationship of calling someone your better half. We all know how to adjust and get along with people in our lives for the rest of it after we're married --- it doesn't really matter unless you end up with someone of the completely obnoxious variety. I personally think that you fall in love with a person you meet through your parents because a) your backgrounds and therefore (hopefully) personality types match, b) you think it is about time you fell in love and c) the sexual drive is also at work! The actual "find" of someone rarely happens: this find in itself should trigger off the feelings of love and protection and romantic advances; not the other way round. I also think that most 'love' marriages are in effect an arranged marriage, the matchmaker being the peer pressure, the media image and all: how else do you explain the largest percentage of relationships from the same classroom or locality? It is not good or bad, just that they prove to me that essentially one adjusts in any relationship. Perhaps, that explains the whole deal with divorces in the Western societies as well.

And then of course there was the whole issue of pre-marital sex. We discussed among ourselves and found that everywhere, the more conservative a society is or the more the rules against it exist: the more rampant it is. India I think is in a middle stage somewhere: conservative by many counts but much more liberal than many other nations. But still --- the issue of finding someone who is attractive naturally is the crux of the matter: when the personalities attract, not by peer pressure or the media image but because the attraction is natural amongst humans... that I believe is the foundation of a true love marriage.

P.S. - Look at the google ads on the left: I knew it!! :D