Wishing for anonymity

When I signed up with blogger about two years ago, I never knew what to expect. I was just trying to get a little more net-savvy then, and therefore getting a blog was the next cool thing to do. I guess my initial posts were all therefore quite disjoint and frankly of 'yuck' standard. Don't bother going through the archives of 2004 or even early 2005: I know they form the classical definion of crap. But then my writing began to mature, and I perhaps began to use this blog more as a medium of expressing myself and penning down thoughts that would otherwise be lost after some introspection into the recesses of the brain. And I felt happy about that: since the joy of blogging is in the unwinding, in the open declaration of your ideas. And more importantly, perhaps, is the fact that there cannot be a better way of having a one-way conversation where you can ramble on and on uninterrupted with your train of thoughts.

But then as I visited other blogs, I noticed the phenomenon of comments. And the ugly thing called ego raised its head. So I religiously surfed the blogs and commented on anything possible, following link after link after link on blogs and commenting on all posts possible. Soon, I had my own share of comments coming in, and it began to feel so good to receive thoughtful comments or laurels for the posts. "Nice post... keep going", "Ha ahaha.. that was hilarious" and "Wow... I have been reading your posts for a long time and never commented but I am a big fan of yours" started happening, and soon this blog grew into a place where I could speak freely and write about all I wanted and actually get lauded for (or appropriately critiqued) for the posts. Soon friends, family and everyone found me blogging, kept reading and commenting on the posts. And only I know what treasures and gems of people I have met and received in life through being a blogger... God bless them all.

My life has always been an open book, and there has rarely been anything I needed to hide from anyone. If I have been a scheming miserable wretch, I have said so. If I have received laurels, again, I have said so. But then, life throws moments and situations at you which don't involve just you, but a lot of other people as well. And this is where the trouble starts. Most of the people I know in personal life know that I have a blog as well. Be it friends, family or anyone else... at some time or the other I have received orkut scraps or emails or a comment here from people who I never thought knew or cared about this blog. And there are so many things that I sometimes wish I could express about them: how sometimes I hate them, or sometimes I worship them. How sometimes I wish they did the 'right' thing, or stopped doing the 'wrong' things. How sometimes I wish I could be like them: they form my everyday heroes and villains. And it is then that the hand falters. Because I cannot write that down here: because this blog has become too entwined with my real identity. They may be sublime thoughts, beautiful posts or even just plain and pure evil being expressed: but I cannot post them here --- there is simply too much at stake.

I wish, therefore, to forge a new identity somewhere. To create something that will not be traceable to me: so that tomorrow you may come up and discuss with me about that blogger who writes something that so closely resembles you in the subject, but cannot trace down to some real personality. I wish to go anonymous, to worship my heroes and spew evil at my villains, to express my deepest darkest desires and also to let the world know the sacrifices that I have had to make sometimes just to see a smile on someone's face. I want to create a virtual alter ego: I wish for anonymity!