On popular demand: a masala post. Also, popular demand included taking digs at guys rather than girls for a change. Meh, so be it :D
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The downside of being a guy who listens and can solve your problems is that sometimes all sorts of weird questions keep popping up, especially related to relationships and marriage. So here is an FAQ of sorts for all ye gentlemen who seek relationship/marriage advice from me. Ladies, you are a completely different ball game (no pun intended). I could probably write an entire new blog for the sort of questions and troubles you come up with. But today, we shall have a little man-to-man discussion:
Q: What are your credentials?
A: (Okay so folks don't ask me this, but I guess we need to clarify this first). My credentials in terms of marriage and relationships aren't spectacular. (Blog readers: yeah keep guessing :P) So any and all advice you get from me would consist mostly of my observations of other working or non-working relationships, or a few past experiences of my own personal life. In general, though, as you will find, I am pretty accurate in guessing what someone else is thinking and can therefore help you in lots of ways with this information.
Q: Does my girlfriend/fiance/would-be look pretty?
A: WTF. Seriously, that is one line I do not wish to cross. And use your own judgement - you will date/marry her... not I!
Q: I keep sending these messages and "express interests" to lots of people on shaadi.com but nobody replies.
A: Umm... I think the fact that your profile name reads "New_Seduction" might have something to do with it. Perhaps you confuse this with a dating website.
Q: When I try to tell her a solution to a problem in her life, she flares up.
A: Look, you don't need to solve something for her. She just needs to be assured that you care enough to listen.
Q: But I am already listening!
A: Egg-jaactly. Don't screw it up for yourself by opening your mouth.
Q: How do I impress her?
A: Very simple - get yourself into trouble on her behalf. Do her homework, clean her fridge, or simply pick a fight with some guy who was arguing with her over the solution to some math problem, lets say. Two-three punches ought-a do it.
Q: Don't know how to tell her that I love her.
A: It's not you, it's your hormones that love her. But if you seriously do, then you wouldn't need to ask me.
Q: How do I know if she is interested?
A: Does she get fidgety when you are around? Or remember sudden things to do? Or maybe behave like a klutz? Then she's probably interested.
Q: There is this one guy she keeps talking about all the time, I feel threatened.
A: Buddy, every girl has these one or two guy friends who she confides in and them you absolutely don't need to worry about.
Q: I'm interested, but I act stupid when I talk to her.
A: Ha ha at you.
Q: We were at this dinner together and then I spilled the whole glass of water onto her lap.
A: Ha ha ha ha.
Q: She tried to introduce me to this fat ugly girlfriend of hers.
A: Ha ha ho ho hee hee.
Q: I'm bored, I want to break up with her.
A: Oh I have a full post on that: A crash course in dumping girlfriends.
(This one has been my personal favourite) Q: We are in this relationship for so long, but how do I proceed to a little more "intimate" level?
A: hmmmmmmm
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Move it, fatso
One of these days I was dusting a weighing scale we have in our kitchen and thought it would be a good idea to find out my weight after all the stuff I eat and all the excuses I find for not going to the gym/jogging/playing after work. I don't wish to tell you my weight at present, but lets just say I heard a faint cracking sound when I stepped on it. :P So this is mostly a motivational post aimed at myself.
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You know I am talking to you. Don't step back and take that smug air that this article is aimed at someone else who really needs exercise. Yes - face it. You need it, fatso! It is you who needs to get out and jog, not someone else.
We've all heard your dinner table conversations about how you need to exercise. "Seriously, I need to get some exercise - this fat is not good", you keep repeating. Or you say "Oh my stamina is getting low, I know... lets make a plan and start from next week". You liar - you filthy cowardly liar: you are lying to yourself. Move it, get out there and do something.
Feel alive, gentlemen! Get out there and smash something! Stop going into that pile of boredom, of the stupor you're slipping into every day. Wake up, wake up! All those excuses are bullshit! Yeah we know you've worked hard all day at your desk. Yes we know there is stuff to be done, emails to be answered, people to be called, clothes to be put to laundry, and so on and so forth. Is your miserable life limited to that? Is that all you can think of as the summary of your life - answering emails and doing laundry? Are you so much in awe of yourself that you are doing exactly what others have asked you to do? Get over with it. Stop bothering about what needs to be done for everyone else. Do something for yourself!
You don't need the gym, you don't need the treadmill, and you don't need the joggers' park either. Those are little sponge-covered amusement parks for children. Have you become so much of a daddy's little girl that you must only play inside the little kitty park where you've been asked to? Get up, man! Go run around the building. Pick a fight! Fight against yourself, fight against your inner sloth. Take up the reins, proclaim that you are in charge of what becomes of you. Let all else go to hell. Take a cycle and just race - race fast, race against yourself. Feel the thrill. Feel the blood in your veins. Give up the delusion that all is good. All isn't good. Go out there, work a sweat, breathe! Thats right - breathe with your lung full, breathe in gasps, breathe like you need the air, breathe with flared nostrils, breathe like you can empty the air around you!
Remember how it used to feel like when you used to come back from the field after a passionate afternoon of football? Remember the thrill of the fight, the chase after the ball, the thumping heart, the tense sinews and the gritted teeth? What are you doing now? How are you lost? Yes you namby pamby wad of fat - do it! Get up, get up, get up - walk out through that door, and just walk for a mile. You don't need a reason to leave the desk for fifteen minutes: just do it and bother about the reason later on. No the time of your life isn't over. It is there - it is right there beside you. Grab it! You are only as old as you think yourself to be. Leave your desk, leave all those comments and remarks from others behind. Boo hoo to them - let whoever is judging you go to hell. Stop giving a damn about those losers - it is your life! You need to take action. Step up to the challenge, go out there and prove to yourself that you can do it. Take chances, take one chance. Don't even bother about running or jogging. Can you take those first steps? Lets see it - lets see your manliness in action. Yes this moment. Now, right now. It is now or never. Right now. End of post. If you have the balls, go out there, walk briskly, for just ten minutes, and walk back. Feel the rush. Can you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know I am talking to you. Don't step back and take that smug air that this article is aimed at someone else who really needs exercise. Yes - face it. You need it, fatso! It is you who needs to get out and jog, not someone else.
We've all heard your dinner table conversations about how you need to exercise. "Seriously, I need to get some exercise - this fat is not good", you keep repeating. Or you say "Oh my stamina is getting low, I know... lets make a plan and start from next week". You liar - you filthy cowardly liar: you are lying to yourself. Move it, get out there and do something.
Feel alive, gentlemen! Get out there and smash something! Stop going into that pile of boredom, of the stupor you're slipping into every day. Wake up, wake up! All those excuses are bullshit! Yeah we know you've worked hard all day at your desk. Yes we know there is stuff to be done, emails to be answered, people to be called, clothes to be put to laundry, and so on and so forth. Is your miserable life limited to that? Is that all you can think of as the summary of your life - answering emails and doing laundry? Are you so much in awe of yourself that you are doing exactly what others have asked you to do? Get over with it. Stop bothering about what needs to be done for everyone else. Do something for yourself!
You don't need the gym, you don't need the treadmill, and you don't need the joggers' park either. Those are little sponge-covered amusement parks for children. Have you become so much of a daddy's little girl that you must only play inside the little kitty park where you've been asked to? Get up, man! Go run around the building. Pick a fight! Fight against yourself, fight against your inner sloth. Take up the reins, proclaim that you are in charge of what becomes of you. Let all else go to hell. Take a cycle and just race - race fast, race against yourself. Feel the thrill. Feel the blood in your veins. Give up the delusion that all is good. All isn't good. Go out there, work a sweat, breathe! Thats right - breathe with your lung full, breathe in gasps, breathe like you need the air, breathe with flared nostrils, breathe like you can empty the air around you!
Remember how it used to feel like when you used to come back from the field after a passionate afternoon of football? Remember the thrill of the fight, the chase after the ball, the thumping heart, the tense sinews and the gritted teeth? What are you doing now? How are you lost? Yes you namby pamby wad of fat - do it! Get up, get up, get up - walk out through that door, and just walk for a mile. You don't need a reason to leave the desk for fifteen minutes: just do it and bother about the reason later on. No the time of your life isn't over. It is there - it is right there beside you. Grab it! You are only as old as you think yourself to be. Leave your desk, leave all those comments and remarks from others behind. Boo hoo to them - let whoever is judging you go to hell. Stop giving a damn about those losers - it is your life! You need to take action. Step up to the challenge, go out there and prove to yourself that you can do it. Take chances, take one chance. Don't even bother about running or jogging. Can you take those first steps? Lets see it - lets see your manliness in action. Yes this moment. Now, right now. It is now or never. Right now. End of post. If you have the balls, go out there, walk briskly, for just ten minutes, and walk back. Feel the rush. Can you?
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