Top 10 ways of spiking your blog traffic

Okay, so you've been on the blogging track for quite a while. You began by looking at a few blogs with high readership (at least going by the comment count). Then you thought... what the eff, I can definitely do better! So you began by publishing a blog of your own. Some of your friends were forced to read the first few posts, but then nobody really cared if your cat had cereals or fish bones for dinner last night. Which, admit it, was all you could think about after a month. After some time, even tempting emails such as "Hey dude I just moved my blog from blogspot to wordpress, take a look!" didn't seem to work. And the fact that everybody knew the one digg on that post of yours was your own doesn't really help matters. So worry not -- here are the top 10 surefire ways of increasing blog traffic (or at least these are guaranteed to spike your traffic for a day):
10. Pataofy blog aggregators
You see, we are all human. So find the blog aggregator websites like blogbharti or desipundit and locate the contributors. Visit their blogs, swear your undying loyalty to the flair and flamboyance in writing on their own blogs, and one fine morning you'll find your blog has featured on one of these hallowed websites! Heh.. nothing like a little butter on the bread. We also accept dollars, BTW ;)
*ahem* - I'm on blogbharti... * wink - wink *
9. Review stuff, or rather snob at everything
Pretend to read lots of books and watch a lot of movies. Google for reviews, and whichever word salad seems to be the best, post it as your own on your blog. This in itself will not help so much, but if you start commenting on others' blogs or review websites with a link to your blog saying "This movie was trash: here's why", someone will definitely go over to see what exactly you thought was trash about "Swades" or "To Kill a Mocking Bird".
8. Meta blogging
Write about blogging: how it is a health hazard, why it is such a great mass media, what might be the future of blogs, what kind of bloggers you hate, who you like, or even, how to retain your blog readers -- there, I gave you at least 5 different post topics! Go rush and write about them before someone else does! Oh, BTW, writing a post titled "Top 10 ways of spiking your blog traffic" will also help ;)
7. Do tags, memes, quizzes, awards
The works, basically. Religiously hunt for tags on all blogs, and whenever lazy bloggers leave the tag passing game as "take up the tag if you're interested" or "and I tag you, the reader", jump at it! Haha... the suckers, they don't know what they're missing out on. Modify the tag so that it requires you to link to 20 other bloggers. And then on each of these blogs you pass the meme to, leave a comment asking them to take up the tag. No you don't really have to know the victim to leave such a request. I guarantee... a full week of at least one tag/award/quiz a day and you'll find an unprecedented number of comments on your blog.
6. Make your blog's link the mantra of your life
Advertisement flooding, or rather mass hysteria -- thats the key. Put your blog's link everywhere you can think about: IM status messages, email signatures, Orkut, facebook accounts. In fact, if you can something like something like "Hi, I'm crazy4u from crazy4ulover.blogspot.com" as your pick-up line at a pub, the girl is sure to check what exactly got you so crazy.
5. Humour -- especially if you were at the receiving end
No seriously, it works! You messed up in the kitchen and your can of Coke exploded inside the microwave? Cool!! Some enunch grasped your crotch because you refused to pay up the five rupees? Awesome, write about it and pretty soon yours will be among the most emailed posts around.
4. Spam blogs with comments
... and look for suckers like you. Basically, you scratch my back I scratch yours. Come up with a pithy one-size-fits-all like "Hmm very interesting post! Have been following your blog for a while and will be linking to it. Please link to my blog as well at crazy4ulover.blogspot.com". Trust me, you only need to strike gold with just one of these blogs --- very soon your back will be scratched raw.
3. Pick a fight
Become an MKC that is (Malicious Known Commenter). Go to popular blogs and start attacking people personally: "you suck, your opinions make no sense, in fact even your posts' titles are crap". One of them will surely take the bait. And the blogosphere always loves a little entertainment in public -- for a change, people definitely want to learn innovative ways of slandering rather than whether your cat pooped in the morning or not. Go to hardcore feminist blogs and leave messages like "all women are morons", go to blogs with multiple contributors and start methodically cauterizing each contributor. Sooner or later, the group will take action and you will "get some action" ;)
2. Love
... especially proposals and breakups. Awww... who doesn't love them. Talk about how your man proposed at the right time in such a romantic place. You had never imagined him that way or never thought you might get proposed to that evening. Ahh, but don't mention that you wore a very special dress to that dinner... everyone is supposed to believe that you were taken unawares, remember? Or if this doesn't work, fake a break-up. And paint him black and blue. Talk about all the male chauvinistic traits and how the bastard fit each of them to the tee. If nothing else, some knights in shining armour and some would be Princess Xena-s will definitely come to the rescue.
1. Sex
Ahh... sex, drugs and you. The hormones, the little skin that showed. How you found the girl hot, or even how you got laid with that fictional chick. But I gotta tell ya, if you can start a blog pretending to be a girl and write about little giggly escapades, heh heh heh... boy you're gonna be famous! The little tease, the girl who wishes the guys in her classroom would take the hint, the steamed up office executive who dumps boyfriends every month and swaps tongues with the rest of the romeos... believe me after some time you might actually begin to wish you were born a girl! :D
So long, and thanks for the comments! Add to the list if you can: I could use a few spare 'tips' :D

Comments

  1. :) seems tried, tested and perfected.

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  2. you suck, your opinions make no sense, in fact even your posts' titles are crap

    ahh.. the joy! :)

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  3. :) I just started a new blog after being a mere reader for two years.
    Will try your methods soon... ;)

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  4. hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    you are fantastic!!!



    god bless u dear

    can we exchange our link

    r u ready to do?

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  5. lol! i see your blog traffic has increased beyond measure. i guess you should incorporate a 'how-to-...' instructional post in that list as well!

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  6. Sudipta, Sudipta, how wicked can you get !!!
    Enjoyed it thoroughly and not because you are someone in the blogbharti. I came to know of that the day you sent my post to BB, which indeed was great, and which was long time back.
    But this post was definitely less scary than the previous post and I can see that I didnt pass the award aise hi.

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  7. I think I shall start with #4 - the spamming with comments part. What should I say -"Interesting post"?

    Meta blogging is the best part of all - a post called "how to make millions by blogging" will make you instantly famous, and you can end up making all those millions!

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  8. Hmm very interesting post! Have been following your blog for a while and will be linking to it. Please link to my blog as well...please...please PRETTY PLEASE! ;)

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  9. he he... sex always works no matter where :)

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  10. Shreemoyee, not exactly tried by me, but there is enough testing and perfection I've observed on other blogs. BTW, one precondition for all this to work is that you have to WRITE something on your OWN BLOG. :)

    Harshdeep, yeah the good old days when you could actually turn up at the commenter's doorstep and do stuff :D

    Akilan, hey, welcome onboard! Oh yes please do... and good luck!

    Rohit, man, I have to admit... you are one lucky dude. You see, I would have almost believed that you had posted a funny comment until I learned via Manpreet that you have been spamming everyone with the same comment. Attaboy! :D

    Galadriel, oh but it is already there! Meta-blogging, remember?

    Manpreet, thankoo thankoo -- I have multiple faces. Sometimes Ravana, sometimes Rama. :)

    Lekhni, oh yes, interesting post will do. But I seriously doubt if that "how to make millions by blogging" post will work -- after all, if I knew how, first I'd make them and then tell anyone else. But what do you know... one of these days the google ads might pay up as much! :D

    Mala, oh, in my defense, I have your blog on my RSS reader right into firefox. Will link to you when I have an overhaul. :)

    Maverick, oh yes... the oldest profession of them all! :D

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  11. assume you are sharing your own experience here...

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  12. i recently heard people sell gmail invitations on ebay. maybe we can make a blog popular and then sell the url. how much is sudiptachatterjee worth? :)

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  13. All hail *bows*. I used to bribe a couple of my cronies to advertise my blog. Picture this scenario :Me in an offhand sort of way -"oh yes, I do have a blog". My cronies with a well practiced admiring glance - "The post you just put up, oh wow Shreya, it had me rolling on the floor laughing. *followed by a couple of heh-heh's to make the point clear to the less-than-awed spectator*



    I still do it :P

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  14. hmmm....

    fantastic....I am planning to take a print of this post and stick it up where I can see it everytime i write a post...

    Perhaps i will get that traffic you have promised. (amen amen)

    know what i like best? ur comment to shreemoyee that one will have to write something on ones blog first.

    hahaha!!!

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  15. believe me after some time you might actually begin to wish you were born a girl!
    -I guess you have tried this :P

    you scratch my back I scratch yours.
    -lol... How long and for many people's have you been scratching? ;-)

    And paint him black and blue.
    -heheheh... ROFTL

    Humorous post.

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  16. 9,8,7 ticked. No blog traffic to speak of, yet :P

    Or let's say, do a comprehensive and very informative post on UT? You've got a lot of traffic coming your way on that...and hey, thanks for the helpful info :)

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  17. and yes, 'helpful' is for the post on UT !

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  18. Good attempt at Meta Blogging! hehe... simply hilarious!

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  19. Good attempt at Meta Blogging! hehe... simply hilarious!

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  20. Shrinidhi, Oh no... some parts, yes: but for the most part, I saw and drew my own conclusions. You must learn the tricks of the trade from the masters :)

    Gradwolf, according to technorati when I last checked, it was $15,000 approximately. Also, check out the blogshares link -- very interesting place.

    Spirited, hahahha --- see, you made one simple mistake: you need to slip it in un-noticed. Post a few interesting things like my GRE tips or UT Austin FAQ. In your case, try posting "whats in and whats out -- a fashion/style guide for teenage girls". You'll know what to get. ;)

    Pinku, oh sure! And when you do try any of #2 or #1 -- post a link back to my blog please! That will be gurudakshina enough :D About writing something in the first place -- no wood, no fire! :)

    BTW, someone who reads all the comments on the post and my replies too! Moi on cloud 9!!

    Manasa, aare na re -- I got to know everything by observing you folks. About scratching backs -- it itches a lot, y'know ;)

    Arethusa, welcome aboard! And thank you, of course. :) Helpful post on UT? But I already have one! If you need more info, feel free to ask.

    BTW, you've tried only #9, 8, and 7. Go for #1, #2 -- they are the trump cards! And yeah, once you do post these -- please let me know! :D

    Ships, hey, long time no see! Thankoo, thankoo -- I know it works: isn't it like a self-fulfilling prophecy? :D

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  21. Sudipta,

    Of course, the post on UT is the first one I checked, after which I landed here. Am saying, you should include that in this list, coz that's really very popular, at least, among the prospective ut students :)

    I do have a lot of questions, can I maybe mail ya?

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  22. Or you could write something that people could relate to that makes them come back.

    Sigh. We are all going to hell.

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  23. All this just to get a kick out of numbers, hehe. :D
    Useful, though. Might come in handy some bored day!

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  24. Arethusa, yes of course... no problemo.

    Art, oh yes we are.

    Phoenix, of course it is useful! Satisfaction guaranteed! Not sure if you've been here before, though -- welcome!

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  25. Go to hardcore feminist blogs and leave messages like "all women are morons",

    With all of the possible options that you could give your advice is to throw sexist taunts at woman? Nice perhaps you revealed more about yourself than you realized....Why not be a disruptive force on a feminist blog because of course we aren't talking about real issues, just a bunch of chatty cathys right? We get enough troll spam without people like you instructing others to throw more at us.

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  26. Renee, look at the tags on the post -- one of them begins with 'h' and ends in 'r'. You might also consider reading the disclaimer posted on the sidebar.

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  27. La vida loca, thanks! :) And welcome onboard.

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  28. LOL! Let me practice what you preach - starting with tip #4 - Interesting post! A combo of practical wisdom and humor - can't beat that!

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  29. Mystic margarita, heheh... you have to do things much better to get into the galaxy. But thank you anyway... all compliments are accepted with open arms :)

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  30. Ah, someone said (maybe it was me, I always talk wisely) that it is better to have one visitor who has a genuine reason to visit you rather than ten visitors who visit you for the sake of it. For some losers (again, like me) who have their own domains, such spam visits adds on to the bandwidth, and might deprive potential visitors who would otherwise visit to read the actual content. Gyaan broadcast closes (for now).

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  31. Priyank, hehehe... I think we're on the you-scratch-my-back-I-scratch-yours spree right now :D

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  32. Karthika, thank you, and welcome onboard! :)

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  33. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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    ReplyDelete

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