The doc says one needs at least 8 hours of sleep a day. Eight nice tight hours, with stages N1, N2, N3; NREM sleep and REM sleep. Alpha waves, sleep spindles, and much much deep wave sleep: they've researched them all. What nobody seems to really care about is how one is supposed to wake up.
It all begins with some damn alarm screaming its head off. For the first few seconds, I'm not even sure what is going on. Why is that dang voice so upset, where am I (more importantly, who am I), and why am I not sleeping ... "Screw it", I think, and try to bury my head a little deeper in the pillow. Oh but my dear, only if your problems went away when you buried your head in the sand. Yeah, I know, they don't. :( So I have to peep out of the pillow, open half an eye, and fish out my hand in the general direction the sound is coming from. The chill of the surrounding air tries to bite into the hand even in those stolen moments. The mind screams out, "Oh shh shh shh... come on, come on... find it, and slam it. Yes yes of course dear you can come back into the blanket right away. Oh yes I'll bury you right in, right below me and warm you up. Just one slam.. SLAM! Ahh... mission accomplished. Come back, quick!"
Then the magic of sleep ensconces me once again. Deep, sweet and luscious — the sleep right after you've been startled out of it once. The little crack around the blanket that had opened up when I put my hand outside keeps teasing me. Bursts of chilled air keep tickling the spine amidst the warm air inside. And it gets maddening! The shiver that runs down my spine makes me lift the blanket once and try to cover myself fully by rolling around a little. And damn the forgetful morning mind... cold air rushes in from all sides! I drag my legs together, curl up, and go hh-hh-hh-h-h-h-uh; trying desperately to warm up the air and myself. At that moment, I'd give anything to reach that perfect temperature again and sink back into sleep. Bliss, bliss... bliss.
And the dang alarm rings once again. This time, it is the mobile phone. Sitting far out at the other end of the room. I don't want to wake up, don't want to leave the blanket. But the alarm keeps ringing. And the alarm keeps ringing. And I hear the alarm. It keeps ringing... it keeps nagging. The alarm keeps ringing. The blanket must be removed at one go. Three, two, one... go! Ohh the chill.. ooooh the shivering queasy cruel chill... damn it! Somehow all the phrases coming to my mind at this time all start with the letter 'F'. My bleary eyes search for my t-shirt. It is lying right across, on the chair. I desperately grab it, put it on, and feel warm immediately.
You know, the tinier the controls are for figuring out how to dismiss an alarm, the more effective it is. I swear mentally, desperately trying to open my eyes just to find out which god-damned button to press. The alarm is still ringing. It is still ringing. Ahh finally, found it. Thank god thank god... the sound is gone. Thank sweet jeebus of a god. And then the debate begins... can I sleep some more? Just five more minutes, perhaps? Oh please... five minutes late to the office can't kill anyone. Just two minutes then? Oh what is the use anyway... yeah okay... I'll head towards the loo. Hmmmm.... hm hm hm hmmmm
So I've been speaking of the weekdays only, right? I can go into another detail of the weekend sleep and the comforts of the night before. But I'll pass on that. Let me instead tell you what happened this last weekend. I woke up. No alarms screaming, no mobile phones ringing. Just plain 9:15 am on the clock. I felt sad immediately... shit I don't want to be late for the office! Shed off the blanket. Sat up. Was rubbing my eyes... okay now where is the t-shirt... when will this weekend come? Sigh. And then I suddenly remembered, ohhh! IT IS a Saturday morning! And IT IS 9:15! Ohh ohh ohh... I can tell you, I've never pulled up my blanket so eagerly before. Never went off to sleep with more heartfelt glee of indescribable permission before! :)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
On gender equalism
A few people raised objections to certain words in the last post (A nation of bitches), since they felt they were sexist in nature and they generally show women in poor light. I actually have been churning the thoughts about this post for a while, so I think now would be a good time to tell you what my thoughts on "feminism" are, and where I stand generally over the issue. It took me a rather long pause of mental churning to come up with this post - honestly it has helped me verbalize a lot of what I have personally believed in and acted upon for a long time. And oh, before you continue with the post (and might I warn you, I already know this is going to be a long post), please remember that this is just what I think and what my impressions are. I may be wrong, but I'd appreciate a healthy debate over a vituperous firestorm.
First of all, let me tell you what I understand of the word feminism. I believe it stands for not treating women as second class human beings.This includes respecting their opinion, acknowledging* their equal intellectual status, and also not taking advantage of the physical disparities between the genders to physically assault or otherwise intimidate women through the sheer advantage of physical force. This part I agree with, wholeheartedly. Somewhere down the line, however, I think we have moved into the mindset that it is only men who are capable of exploiting the difference between the sexes to cause hurt. And for some extreme radicals, I think it has also moved into a general hatred for men. I'd call this "militant feminism". And it is this second part that I disagree with. Because I don't think it's fair: it is a two-way street and there are examples of the worst of the kind on either side of the fence. Women can make life a living hell for men as well. And certainly more for someone who has trusted them and been emotionally vulnerable to them. But beyond pointing fingers, not everything a feminist (as I understand) would object to or point out as a symbol of male oppression is so in my book. However many personal proofs you might have had of men being pigs (and I too personally have), there are gentlemen in the world as well. And the biggest objection I have is to the word "feminism" itself - why only feminism? Why not gender equalism?
*[Update - I had used the phrase "giving them" here instead of the now rectified "recognizing their". My apologies to all who read the earlier version of this post - I meant acknowledging/recognizing. It cannot ever be given by men because it was never ours in the first place.]
And so we move into the politically incorrect statements: men and women are not equal, and I'm not even thinking of the physical differences here. I am talking about emotional and psychological differences that affect our behaviour all the time. Yes I do think that women approach any situation much differently than men do, they have a different perspective* and approach to a lot of things in life. They are more co-operative, socially responsible and more sensitive than men. Relationships, mutual bonding and civil connections matter a lot more to them. And they revel in the comfort of being surrounded by loved ones, sharing feelings and emotions.
*[Update - the phrase here was "(and for the lack of a better word) emotional"... which someone rightly pointed out to me was self-contradictory to the meaning and direction of the post. I can't find a word here that should fit the bill of what I want to say, but yes emotional is definitely not it.]
And this is where things start getting interesting - how does a relationship work, then, in the whole perspective? I think a woman needs to look up to her man, literally. Maybe its just the male ego talking, but the difference of heights does start the whole process of being "impressed", provided you are not a guy ogling at her breasts at the time. (And no, that is not a prerequisite). As a guy I'm looking to find someone I can care about and someone who makes me feel loved and wanted: someone to believe in me and trust me. It feels good as a man to have someone asking for my opinion about something, knowing that it will matter. So in the fairytale of romance, as a man, it does feel good to have been the one proposing and winning my bride over. As a man it does feel good to pleasantly surprise her time to time, or to do something brave (or perhaps equally headstrong) among my peers in front of her - it is tough to explain why a really stupid challenge becomes a do-or-die ego battle for us.* And this is nowhere degrading to the woman: I'd say, in fact, far from it. I believe women love to have "their man" do a lot of this stuff... taking charge, comforting them when they're down in a well for no apparent reason, bringing flowers or cards and chocolates. It reaffirms at every step that yes the man cares deeply enough to do these things, and the occasional assertive order from the guy tends to abstract the need to think and worry about things in life. It feels good to have someone else in charge telling you what exactly needs to be done to keep things going right, especially from someone you trust, doesn't it?
*[Update - there was a statement here that read "So yes the onus of proposing, taking charge of a relationship and generally taking a lot of decisions and guiding it anywhere does fall on the man - it rather comes naturally to us.". I don't think it is right, or at least does not convey what I mean to say here. I have modified the sentence now to read "So in the fairytale ... battle for us". And I have deliberately avoided saying that the man ought to be the one guiding a relationship - what I wrote earlier is wrong. Perhaps as a man just want to have my way from time to time, without imposing myself.]
Something else needs to be clarified, here, though: when does the assertive command become an imposition on your independence? I've seen it happen myself. My aunt was answering some question from a lot of us relatives visiting her place and her husband had also started talking at the same time. He turned towards her and uttered a sharp rebuke, "Why do you need to answer the question when I'm already speaking?". I saw her smile fade away instantaneously and the embarrassment evident on her face. I couldn't protest, being a kid in the midst of adults, but I think my mother or some other sister of hers had gone and talked to her about this. That is exactly where the matter of trust and endearing control takes a turn for the vulgar. Love should stop being trusted as love when it becomes a manner of manipulative and subjugative control.
How about chivalry, then? Doesn't that go against the tenet of gender equalism, judging by the fact that holding open a door is precipitated by neither physical incapability of women or the concept of man-in-charge? Simply put, it is an act of love; or rather a token of love and respect even for a lady I do not know at a random bookstore. Again, this isn't degrading in any manner: it simply feels good to be doing this for her. The simple smile or the genuine thank you makes it worth doing this gesture. Part of it might be a social norm or a custom from the Victorian era (holding a door open, seriously?), but part of it is also good manners. So yes, gentlemen, please hold open the door for the lady, and let her get into the car first, and close the door after her. And ladies, no, it is by no means an attempt to show you as weaklings - it is just what it is - holding open a door to make one less thing for you to do in the whole of your long day of little invisible chores that keep the rest of us sane.
A word about common vocabulary here would be befitting, I suppose. Some words simply propagate stereotypes, I agree. So Richa, while I could not think of a better word than "effeminate" in the last post, and although I explained myself as such, in hindsight I think I put a tacit nod to the concept of women being defenseless weaklings by just using that term there. Yes, if no other word fit the sentence, I should probably have chosen a different sentence. Each joke , for that matter, going around your email forwards about guys or girls is eventually reinforcing or making us laugh at a stereotype. And I do genuinely laugh at them: after reading them you realize that yes indeed these are true, and yes one can accept the difference and share a joke about this without taking insult. I knew a girl once who we used to call by her pet name. When I met her as an adult once and addressed her such, she almost growled in reply asking me to utter her full name, adding later on that men have reduced women to mere objects by not even uttering their full names. See, that is where you are on the other side of the line dividing the good and the bad of feminism in my understanding, and I certainly wish to walk the plank carefully. Having said that, yes, some terms are offensive in what they base the implication on, whether it be 'effeminate' or 'manly woman'.
And finally, what of surname changes and staying home, quitting your job and stuff like that just because you got married? Let me talk of the second one first. whoever is married to me will never hear from me, "There is no need to keep doing your office job now... quit it and take care of the kids at home". See, the point of freedom and gender equalism is just this: for the person to take a decision like this by herself, and do what she wishes to do with both our best interests in mind. My mother has been a working mother for all of my life, and that hasn't affected the way me or my siblings have grown up in any way. I'm in fact proud to call her the super-mom, the one who showed us that it is indeed possible to pull off such a daunting task so magnificently. I'd rather encourage my wife to continue with her studies, continue her job, or stay at home... whichever suits her best. And if she chooses the last option, I would know that it is a huge sacrifice, and an act of love. And what about the surname change? I'm not a stickler for it, but it would make me feel very happy to see an invitation card to someone else's wedding or family ceremony that comes addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Chatterjee". It would make me feel like I have a family, and that she is a part of it, she belongs there. Never a prerequisite, but always welcome.
To conclude, then, the reasons I dislike the term "feminism" and do not consider myself a feminist, per se, is the fact that I don't agree with everything what I think I am supposed to agree with when I sign up for the camp. Mr Muthalik asking women to not to go a pub because it would spoil Indian culture? Fuck you! Mr. Sarkozy banning the burkha from public places in France? Again, stupid and oppressive. Let one decide for herself whether she should go to a pub or not, wear her burkha or not, stay at home or not, or for that matter marry or not. Let the man do what he considers good without imposing himself and his opinion on the woman, and let the woman do her own version of good by simply caring for someone she loves, in whatever way she deems fit. Let there be equality of the genders.
First of all, let me tell you what I understand of the word feminism. I believe it stands for not treating women as second class human beings.This includes respecting their opinion, acknowledging* their equal intellectual status, and also not taking advantage of the physical disparities between the genders to physically assault or otherwise intimidate women through the sheer advantage of physical force. This part I agree with, wholeheartedly. Somewhere down the line, however, I think we have moved into the mindset that it is only men who are capable of exploiting the difference between the sexes to cause hurt. And for some extreme radicals, I think it has also moved into a general hatred for men. I'd call this "militant feminism". And it is this second part that I disagree with. Because I don't think it's fair: it is a two-way street and there are examples of the worst of the kind on either side of the fence. Women can make life a living hell for men as well. And certainly more for someone who has trusted them and been emotionally vulnerable to them. But beyond pointing fingers, not everything a feminist (as I understand) would object to or point out as a symbol of male oppression is so in my book. However many personal proofs you might have had of men being pigs (and I too personally have), there are gentlemen in the world as well. And the biggest objection I have is to the word "feminism" itself - why only feminism? Why not gender equalism?
*[Update - I had used the phrase "giving them" here instead of the now rectified "recognizing their". My apologies to all who read the earlier version of this post - I meant acknowledging/recognizing. It cannot ever be given by men because it was never ours in the first place.]
And so we move into the politically incorrect statements: men and women are not equal, and I'm not even thinking of the physical differences here. I am talking about emotional and psychological differences that affect our behaviour all the time. Yes I do think that women approach any situation much differently than men do, they have a different perspective* and approach to a lot of things in life. They are more co-operative, socially responsible and more sensitive than men. Relationships, mutual bonding and civil connections matter a lot more to them. And they revel in the comfort of being surrounded by loved ones, sharing feelings and emotions.
*[Update - the phrase here was "(and for the lack of a better word) emotional"... which someone rightly pointed out to me was self-contradictory to the meaning and direction of the post. I can't find a word here that should fit the bill of what I want to say, but yes emotional is definitely not it.]
And this is where things start getting interesting - how does a relationship work, then, in the whole perspective? I think a woman needs to look up to her man, literally. Maybe its just the male ego talking, but the difference of heights does start the whole process of being "impressed", provided you are not a guy ogling at her breasts at the time. (And no, that is not a prerequisite). As a guy I'm looking to find someone I can care about and someone who makes me feel loved and wanted: someone to believe in me and trust me. It feels good as a man to have someone asking for my opinion about something, knowing that it will matter. So in the fairytale of romance, as a man, it does feel good to have been the one proposing and winning my bride over. As a man it does feel good to pleasantly surprise her time to time, or to do something brave (or perhaps equally headstrong) among my peers in front of her - it is tough to explain why a really stupid challenge becomes a do-or-die ego battle for us.* And this is nowhere degrading to the woman: I'd say, in fact, far from it. I believe women love to have "their man" do a lot of this stuff... taking charge, comforting them when they're down in a well for no apparent reason, bringing flowers or cards and chocolates. It reaffirms at every step that yes the man cares deeply enough to do these things, and the occasional assertive order from the guy tends to abstract the need to think and worry about things in life. It feels good to have someone else in charge telling you what exactly needs to be done to keep things going right, especially from someone you trust, doesn't it?
*[Update - there was a statement here that read "So yes the onus of proposing, taking charge of a relationship and generally taking a lot of decisions and guiding it anywhere does fall on the man - it rather comes naturally to us.". I don't think it is right, or at least does not convey what I mean to say here. I have modified the sentence now to read "So in the fairytale ... battle for us". And I have deliberately avoided saying that the man ought to be the one guiding a relationship - what I wrote earlier is wrong. Perhaps as a man just want to have my way from time to time, without imposing myself.]
Something else needs to be clarified, here, though: when does the assertive command become an imposition on your independence? I've seen it happen myself. My aunt was answering some question from a lot of us relatives visiting her place and her husband had also started talking at the same time. He turned towards her and uttered a sharp rebuke, "Why do you need to answer the question when I'm already speaking?". I saw her smile fade away instantaneously and the embarrassment evident on her face. I couldn't protest, being a kid in the midst of adults, but I think my mother or some other sister of hers had gone and talked to her about this. That is exactly where the matter of trust and endearing control takes a turn for the vulgar. Love should stop being trusted as love when it becomes a manner of manipulative and subjugative control.
How about chivalry, then? Doesn't that go against the tenet of gender equalism, judging by the fact that holding open a door is precipitated by neither physical incapability of women or the concept of man-in-charge? Simply put, it is an act of love; or rather a token of love and respect even for a lady I do not know at a random bookstore. Again, this isn't degrading in any manner: it simply feels good to be doing this for her. The simple smile or the genuine thank you makes it worth doing this gesture. Part of it might be a social norm or a custom from the Victorian era (holding a door open, seriously?), but part of it is also good manners. So yes, gentlemen, please hold open the door for the lady, and let her get into the car first, and close the door after her. And ladies, no, it is by no means an attempt to show you as weaklings - it is just what it is - holding open a door to make one less thing for you to do in the whole of your long day of little invisible chores that keep the rest of us sane.
A word about common vocabulary here would be befitting, I suppose. Some words simply propagate stereotypes, I agree. So Richa, while I could not think of a better word than "effeminate" in the last post, and although I explained myself as such, in hindsight I think I put a tacit nod to the concept of women being defenseless weaklings by just using that term there. Yes, if no other word fit the sentence, I should probably have chosen a different sentence. Each joke , for that matter, going around your email forwards about guys or girls is eventually reinforcing or making us laugh at a stereotype. And I do genuinely laugh at them: after reading them you realize that yes indeed these are true, and yes one can accept the difference and share a joke about this without taking insult. I knew a girl once who we used to call by her pet name. When I met her as an adult once and addressed her such, she almost growled in reply asking me to utter her full name, adding later on that men have reduced women to mere objects by not even uttering their full names. See, that is where you are on the other side of the line dividing the good and the bad of feminism in my understanding, and I certainly wish to walk the plank carefully. Having said that, yes, some terms are offensive in what they base the implication on, whether it be 'effeminate' or 'manly woman'.
And finally, what of surname changes and staying home, quitting your job and stuff like that just because you got married? Let me talk of the second one first. whoever is married to me will never hear from me, "There is no need to keep doing your office job now... quit it and take care of the kids at home". See, the point of freedom and gender equalism is just this: for the person to take a decision like this by herself, and do what she wishes to do with both our best interests in mind. My mother has been a working mother for all of my life, and that hasn't affected the way me or my siblings have grown up in any way. I'm in fact proud to call her the super-mom, the one who showed us that it is indeed possible to pull off such a daunting task so magnificently. I'd rather encourage my wife to continue with her studies, continue her job, or stay at home... whichever suits her best. And if she chooses the last option, I would know that it is a huge sacrifice, and an act of love. And what about the surname change? I'm not a stickler for it, but it would make me feel very happy to see an invitation card to someone else's wedding or family ceremony that comes addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Chatterjee". It would make me feel like I have a family, and that she is a part of it, she belongs there. Never a prerequisite, but always welcome.
To conclude, then, the reasons I dislike the term "feminism" and do not consider myself a feminist, per se, is the fact that I don't agree with everything what I think I am supposed to agree with when I sign up for the camp. Mr Muthalik asking women to not to go a pub because it would spoil Indian culture? Fuck you! Mr. Sarkozy banning the burkha from public places in France? Again, stupid and oppressive. Let one decide for herself whether she should go to a pub or not, wear her burkha or not, stay at home or not, or for that matter marry or not. Let the man do what he considers good without imposing himself and his opinion on the woman, and let the woman do her own version of good by simply caring for someone she loves, in whatever way she deems fit. Let there be equality of the genders.
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