The desi tourists' guide to desi tourists

During a trip, it might be a little disconcerting to come across the antics of different kinds of tourists at some popular destinations. At least here in the Bay area, I'd say at least 50% of the tourists are Indian whichever ride/spot/drive you might be at. To make your tour experience a little more enjoyable and a little less scary, here is the guide to your fellow brethren at said locations:

The newly-weds:

By far the most obvious type. Draped all over one another with a coy smile on the girl's lips, they somehow tend to be lost beyond the instructions of the tour guide or the park ranger. You might happen to catch the dude giving a beleaguered stare at his bride after watching the young punk rock American teenagers make out like there's no tomorrow. If so, don't forget to catch the bride in turn returning a cold big-eyed admonishing stare that could make little children wail for no apparent reason.

The stag party:

Usually a bunch of recent graduates or interns from universities exploring the wonders of Caali-phour-nia after getting their first jobs. Some of them have been huff-puffing through random 50-pound weight exercies in the gym over the last two weeks and wear sleeveless T-shirts. The others show off their macho-ness by loudly discussing beer, Mardi Gras parties or the Large Hadron Collider, not necessarily in that order.

The gaggle:

The counterpart of the stag party. Freshly graduates from the universities who travel as a boisterous group laughing at jokes only they can hear among themselves. They are extremely interested in the malls around the area they're visiting, the souvenir shops or the cute stuffed toys. Their pictures always compose of three or more people hugging each other cheek-to-cheek and barely fitting in the frame of the picture. Some throw sly glances at the stag party and giggle among themselves, much to the confused delight of the latter.

The pack rats:

Typically a family traveling with 6-7 people, they firmly believe that they should leave the house with enough cooked food to last them in case they are marooned on an island and cast in the next season of Lost. This is also accompanied by clothing for every weather condition that might arise during the trip. They chuckle to themselves when they pass others pulling over into McDonalds or Wendy's on the roadside. Upon reaching their destinations, they open smelly and leaking jars of achaar and damp aloo parathas and stuff them down their throats with liberal amounts of free water from the fountain.

The two-and-a-halves:

Typically couples with one or two kids, traveling with another such couple. They take turns clicking pics of one another. The hapless toddlers are forced to pose in front of flowers, flowerpots, or dirt dunes with flowers sketched on top. When the women tend to the wailing children, the men discuss how the mortgage rates are fluctuating and which investment markets are opening up. When the men go out to catch a smoke, the women start a competition to find out who has the worse share of luck in trying to balance their life with the hubby, the kid, the in-laws and their own parents. Usually, the one with her own parents visiting wins.

The grad students:

Usually visiting the place stuffed with five people cramped in a two-door coupe car rented at the cheapest nearby location. The lack of a GPS and the sole dependence on free printouts of google maps has ensured that the original four hour drive has become five hours after being honked at in the road at least five times for random lane changes to go from one highway to the other. Conversations are usually interpsersed with "Machi", "Saala" and discussions about which Prof would be hiring for the next fall term. One of them has invariably spotted a Taco Bell ten miles back which they head out for lunch after a tiring hike.

The ex-macho men:

Easy enough to spot - they're still getting accustomed to their pot-belly and can be often seen trying to hold their breath and tuck it in after they realize that it has bulged off during one of those unguarded moments. Halfway through every hike and turn, they are seen huffing and puffing and telling each other how they miss the gym because they don't have time. Always keep reminding the young ones how life suddenly changes after marriage. And they always try to prove their sea-worthiness by ending the hike with a long puff of cigarette smoke and the call from the "headquarters" that serves as the perfect excuse to go home midway.

The poster boys:

My favourite category. They always take photos in front of prominent landmarks to show at home proving that they visited the place, even if for half a day. And they show off bravery and (very) late teenage angst and revolt by taking one more photo that seems to make them break the exact rules posted in notices. Hanging off branches from trees that say "do not climb"; attempting to jump off the railings from bridges, waterfalls next to notices saying "careful" or "danger"; grabbing cameras, books etc from statues; etc. One little reminder from the nearest park ranger generally makes sure they stop posing for such camera bravados.

So there it ends from my side. Care to add to the list?

The joker and I

The Oscars this year disappointed me. I have nothing against Slumdog Millionaire, and perhaps it was the best candidate for all the awards it got. But not best director and best screenplay. To me, if "The Dark Knight" did not get these awards, then yes the Oscars are an annual semi-farce. I have heard this 'allegation' from many people at many different times. But this is the first time in my life that I've seen some of the movies that were nominated for the Oscars, and actually had an opinion about the movies which I came up with entirely by myself. :) But I don't wish to speak about biased Oscars, nor about selling India's poverty in the Slumdog Millionaire. And neither do I want to go on at length about a review of the Dark Knight or how Heath Ledger got the Oscar only because he is dead. Instead, I wish to talk about the Joker.

I would rank the insights I've gained from the Joker's character as being close to the kind of pondering I had slipped into after reading Ayn Rand's work. Yes, it has been that powerful. In the perfect world, he says, everyone has a plan. A truckload of soldiers blowing up or a couple of gang members being killed - that is part of the plan. But as soon as someone threatens that a single politician (or in the movie, the Mayor) is about to be blown up, then suddenly everyone panics. Because its not part of the plan. The soldiers signed up to die, and the gangsters deserve to die. Think about it - we've already assigned the work of who needs to live in poverty, who gets the fat paycheck and who gets to toil out at the factory overnight. If you reach a house and there is quite a crowd there, you can immediately tell who to ask for a cup of tea. It is all part of the plan - someone is supposed to fetch you your tea, and you are supposed to lounge about, sip tea and discuss pseudo-secular politics.

For all the cultured discussions and proponents of peace we speak of, and in spite of all our liberal outlook we profess to have, all this falls apart at the slightest hint of danger. And more importantly, it falls apart when we get power over others. Whether you're the Brahmin who sneers at the Kayastha wedding, or if you are the "babu" at the steel plant displaying your power over the other worker, we are still hungry wolves. The Joker would probably have received a PhD in philosophy from some university, or led a revolution somewhere else. To me, the Joker is an immense talent wasted to petty psychiatric fallings of the mind. Yes it is scary to see what such a mind can do when put to the wrong use. But imagine the possibilities with a mind like that put to constructive purposes, or even just to the critique of the society. He'll probably be a philosopher or a best-selling author. Like most philosophies, the ones that come with a certain shock value are the ones that can move you into action and make you think. I think the Joker's philosophy had such potential. It is like the metal which has been purified by fire - while the immediate effect is scorching, it also removes all germs, dust and vice. The Joker test should be the true test of loyalty: like in the movie the boatloads of prisoners and ordinary citizens are given to choose who lives. Are those really the principles you believe in or is it some misguided sense of self-righteousness? When the time comes, will you choose what you believe in or will you choose your own immediate survival? Can you really keep your word, or are you among those squealers who'll abandon friends at the slightest hint of your own danger? Yes, I'm fascinated.

If you did not vote

If you did not vote this year,

• - You have no right to preach at your local tea shop about corrupt politicians.
• - You have no right to be outraged because the local MLA took bribes and allowed the neighborhood to become a brothel. That is precisely where you belong.
• - You cannot complain of vote bank politics - someone who at least cares to vote is the right person to appease. If you are whining so much about people playing up to the minorities, it serves you right that the minorities go to vote in the majority.
  
• - You were also whining about how reservations are ruining the country, right? Well I think the reservations are good. People who vote should have the right to get stuff reserved for themselves at the best places.
  
• - You should not forward that email about how 30% of people in the Parliament are criminals, half of who have murder charges pending against them. I know that is the only thing you're good at: forwarding emails. But seriously, save those precious fingers of yours. You know where they can be used best.
• - Stop preaching about how the society doesn't care and stop finding fault with the "society" for every misery, every poor family you see around yourself. You did not move your fat ass a single inch to go and vote.
• - And when the bomb blasts happen in your city, go and ring bells, sing praises to God, and give pujas to all the deities you know. You are alive at least, aren't you? Thank God someone voted the right politician to power who completely kept you safe from the blast by his divine speeches.
  

I know that you went and watched movies, strolled around with your boyfriend in the park, took care of the unfinished dry cleaning at your house, but did not find time to vote. You deserve it... you deserve every bit of the shame and humiliation that you go through when you are brow-beaten by some politician's goon. You deserve to shell out the thousands in bribes. And you deserve every single time to be made to stand in sweltering heat because the minister is going to get his son-in-law from the airport. Shame on you, Bangalore, Kolkata, Mumbai - you are really examples of what the new India is looking like.