The desi Juliet guide

Ever since I read the desi romeo guide (much, much before I republished it here on the blog), I have been wondering if a similar guide exists for the juliets as well. Similar to biblical history wherein Eve was created after Adam, I am venturing to create the desi Juliet guide. This document may be copied and reproduced freely, except for commercial purposes, provided you mention the source of its first publication here at this URL:.
http://sudiptachatterjee.blogspot.com/2007/11/desi-juliet-guide.html

I love to say that I have observed only a small percent of the traits I am going to describe in actual people I've met. The rest of it is purely the work of my imagination, and I don't claim that the uncanny resemblance with you in one of these categories necessarily means that you inspired it in the first place. :D So, here we go:

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THE BALLERINA (Julietofus Dansicus)
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Ever since she ventured out shook her leg at the freshers’ induction party and got complimented by the slimy groper, she believes that she has got the best moves since Nadia Comaneci herself. Waves off all compliments about her dancing skills with an artistic hand, but is always pleased secretly. Signs up for Salsa classes at the university and drags along some hapless father figure for company, but soon ditches him and fancies the hunky blonde bloke there who she never gets to be a 'partner' with. Gives out free dancing tips to anyone who cares to listen, which always subtly leads to the conclusion about how good she is at dancing! Usually has a fair amount of success in attracting people of the opposite sex, although sometimes gets mistaken for the fast one.

THE SNOBFACE (Julietofus Pedigree-ius)
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The total number of words uttered by her since she came to the US can be noted on the backside of an envelope. Walks with her nose permanently up in the air, and somehow considers it below her dignity to talk any extra sentence with anyone. Needless to say, beyond the circle of friends who need to interact with her in her class, she doesn't end up with much male attention. Even the desperate ones who venture to chat her up usually get the terse monosyllabic replies and 'get' the message. Sometimes she is confused with the ultra cautious variety (see below), but she gives out a distinct cold stare that is different from the deer in headlight stare associated with the other one.

MOTHER MARY (Julietofus Matronus)
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Whoever said reincarnations aren't possible obviously never knew of Florence Nightingale or this variety of juliets. People tend to remember her whenever they need money. Her purse strings open even when the guys' dogs die back home. Usually her living room has trouble accommodating pictures of all the 3 million gods and goddesses, and she defines very strict boundaries for all forms of shoes or sandals about the door. Has perfected all dishes her mother knew, and therefore is usually a sure invite to any pot luck dinner party. Always lightly chastises her friends about their homework, their health, and why they should pray to God daily. People seem to magically disappear from her house right after the lunch or dinner even though they promise that they are stepping out to take an urgent call.

CATWOMAN (Julietofus Amoramus)
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A flirt of the first order, her dreams of meeting a desi prince charming disappear as soon as she encounters bulging potbellies of senior desi graduate students. Gives out free hugs to almost anyone at every occasion, and nobody minds the occasional dirty joke which she cracks in select company. Smiles at guys to get rides to the local grocery store, and always has two or three guys just a phonecall away when she goes to the local Taco Bell to eat. Guys sometimes mistake her to be a fast one, but pretty soon realize that she is just in it for "fun" and is not willing to go to any base. She usually has a huge fan following, much to the envy of the other girls.

THE CHATTERBOX (Julietofus Blabberifus)
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Whenever she walks into any group of friends, she always assumes that they have all been dying to listen to what has been happening in either her second cousin's boyfriend's or Shahrukh Khan's life. Consequently, she proceeds to enlighten everyone with the details excitedly, and more background knowledge and forecasts are available on demand. The guys gradually learn this and suddenly seem to crave for strong coffee as soon as she shows up at the table. Excluding the real desperate ones, therefore, she doesn't have much luck in getting the guys' attention, and usually ends up blabbering to those unfortunate ones she catches at the library common discussion area. Always wonders aloud why there's enough time to do her homework, and wonders to herself why the 'cute' T.A. is so fidgety and looking at his watch so often when she visits him during his 2 hours of office during the week.

UBER-GIRLY (Julietofus Pansipus)
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The emoticons on Yahoo came as a blessing for this kind, who had to resort to the LOLs and ROTFLs of yore. Spends most of her time online catching up with all friends in India or at other universities, and she knows all the shortcuts to the emoticons by heart. Can type faster than anyone can speak, and amazingly keeps up with 4 different chat windows simultaneously while she types her report for the assignment. She conspires with the others of her kind and/or the chatterboxes imagining relationships among people who have been spotted hanging out together more than once. Always dresses in some variety of pink, and goes coochie-coo over anything that remotely qualifies as cute, including book covers; but shrieks whenever she spots a cricket from a furlong away. Visits the beauty salon at least once every fortnight, and is the primary customer of the local CVS where she gets her moisturizers and facial creams. Always wonders why the guys don't do things the Mills and Boons way, and why she remains a 'friend' friend for everyone.

BASANTI (Julietofus Rusticus)
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India went global and exported this variety as the symbol of desi village culture and tradition. She turned up wearing anklets on the first day at school, and has learned since then that bizzare shining yellow and orange salwar kameez-es don't really need those jewelry to draw extra attention. Switches into her dehati accent in the middle of a conversation suddenly, and is not bothered at all about the people staring into her face blankly. Manages to accompany everyone who goes anytime to the local Walmart or Sears garment stores "for just window-shopping", and somehow finds the most gawdy and fluorescent colors to take back home.

THE ULTRA FEMINIST (Julietofus Sultanus)
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God help the person who dares crack a joke in front of this female. She interprets every remark, gesture and sentence with caution, and isn't afraid to pick a fight if she whiffs anything misogynistic there. Having waged a lone battle against all roadside romeos and the scoffing guys and uncles back home, any person whose stare lingers for that extra second has unlimited audio input for pretty much the rest of his day. She is disappointed to find that the greek sororities are only for undergrads, but promptly signs up for all convocations and gatherings of women in her field. The fact that the primary focus of these meetings isn't male bashing disappoints her and she takes the onus upon herself to see that adequate justice is served in the world.

FIRANGI PHASAYA (Julietofus Oversea-us)
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The sum of all fears of the Indian parents when they send their daughters here comes true in this form: when there appears an American boyfriend. Whether or not she's "done it", the general spate of rumours surrounding her ensure that she cuts off bonds with the general desi junta. Soon develops the slurr in her accent and says "like" at every opportunity. She prefers to eat lettuce and pork sandwiches instead of parathas, and goes out with her buddies to "eat Indian" sometimes. The last nail on the coffin, literally, is featured when her parents notice the 'piercing' on her navel in one of the many photos she sends home.

ULTRA CAUTIOUS (Julietofus Cherry-pickus)
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This variety is the complete opposite of the firebrand feminist in her reaction to the male species. She interprets all emails as hidden mating calls, always double-checks and cross checks her books when returned from her classmates looking for hidden chits containing 'explicit' messages. She also popularizes a classic deer-in-headlight stare since the time she is asked out for coffee by a guy. As a rule, she never gives her number out to anyone unless asked thrice, and then any call after 9:00 p.m. inevitably lands in her voice mailbox. Any guy is surprised to see her pics from girls-only parties because they thought the scowl on her face was natural and permanent.

MISS BIRDBRAINS (Julietofus Pinheadus)
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Around this kind, you get the feeling that the university admission process is indeed random. She is perpetually lost in the campus, and defines her day by the number of times she tripped and fell that day. Habitually loses her purse, her shoes or mobile phone in the campus and becomes friends with the folks at the lost and found. She ends up choosing the courses for her semester where her best friend goes, and blames everyone else for her poor grades in the subject. She's also spotted frequently at the 'wrong' parties, gets to go to the 'wrong' movies with the guys, and ends up at the 'wrong' sections of the campus during the 'wrong' hours. She can't keep track of her money, and spends 200$ for an iPod without battling an eyelid but thinks thrice before she spends 5$ for her lunch. She laments continually to her 'best' friends why she doesn't have a boyfriend, and everyone around her is relieved when her parents find someone back home for her, finally.

THE ROUND ONE (Julietofus Slimmifus)
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The extra pound of flesh that she carries is a constant source of whining for the round one. She loves to play spoilsport and not eat anything oily when she goes out to eat with her friends. However, her fridge remains stashed with chocolate milk and cheese, which of course she munches on as part of the midnight snack. Her trips to the gym consist of 15 minutes of walking on the treadmill while eyeing the blonde guys, and that too is discontinued after the first 7 days of the semester.

VEGGIE DELITE (Julietofus herbivorous)
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The only 'bone' she has to pick with everyone who eats non-vegetarian. The otherwise quiet person suddenly grimaces when people order chicken or fish at a fast food joint. She considers any non-vegetarian to be Satan's neighbor, and firmly believes that constant nagging will definitely rid the said person of his 'Satanic' habits. Anyone who dares ask her why milk is vegetarian whereas an egg is non-vegetarian is doomed to be labeled an atheist. The kind of love she reserves for the actual atheists is the stuff legends are made of. God makes sure, in the interest of his other creations on earth, that she weds a vegetarian husband.

THE TAKEN ONES (Julietofus long-distancus)
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The percentage of girls who arrive with an existing relationship belong to this category. A rare few come with boyfriends in the same univ in a different department. These mix around fairly amicably with the rest of the folks. The next variety have their boyfriends somewhere in the US: either working or in some other university. All minutes after 9:00 are spent by her talking to her boyfriend on the phone, and her friends and room-mates gradually learn to adjust their timings accordingly. The last kind are the most extreme: their boyfriends are left behind in India and she suddenly discovers the marvels of technology in the form of google talk and yahoo messenger. Out of sight out of mind, fights from long distances, permanent silent treatment... lets just leave it at that.

:)

How Sudipta made his fish

Being a Bong, it is almost criminal not to be able to relish fish. Now, relishing to eat something and being able to make the delicacy are two completely independent phenomena. Today, I proudly proclaim that I was able to make something that at least smelt fish-y ;).

It all began when I was accompanying a Bengali friend of mine in her car. She remembered suddenly that she needed to get some stuff from the local Indian grocery store. I had never been to this one before, and in there as soon as the lid was raised from the freezer and I spotted frozen fish, I leaped with joy! Never mind that I still cannot make an omelet without spilling some egg out... "fish-fish par likkha hai khaane waale ka naam". And these tiny ones definitely had Sudipta written all over them.

I enthusiastically brought home a whole packet full of tiny fish called Kechki, and put it in the freezer. Every week on the Sunday, I would stare at the packet and shudder in horror about how I was going to manage that. Promptly, it would be covered by other 'mixed' vegetables and frozen parathas. But then I suddenly had a flash of genius: why not ask the person who makes that fish regularly?! And so it began.

First, I called and showed up at her house. As usual, I was shrieked at for crossing into the living room with shoes on (by God... how exactly do the girls manage to take off and wear shoes again and again?). So I shot my first question, "In less than or equal to 4 easy steps, tell me how to make that fish I bought that day". She is a PhD student. So she sat down on her sofa lost in deep thought about how to translate things into 4 easy steps for expert cooks like me. She began, "Okay, so first fry the fish, and in the meantime cut onions and potatoes...". I just HAD to interrupt; "Whoa whoa whoa... hold on a second! Cut potatoes?!". It took me some time to explain to her that I had given up on that idea since the first disaster involving exploding potatoes in the kitchen. Errm... if you're curious, I'll tell you folks about that one some other time. So then she very patiently explained to me that fish needed to be defrosted first before frying, that I could not add guacamoles to the oil before the onions (and no they are really not an ingredient in the recipe at all), that ginger-garlic paste cannot suffice for coriander paste, etc. Finally, she readily agreed to be on call for any further questions I may have during the actual cooking process at home.

Some of the sample questions I asked her, one question per phone call:
- "So, how much turmeric do I add to 1 full glass of fish?"
- "Should 3 tablespoons of salt be enough for that?"
- "Tell me, am I supposed to take the gills and bladders out from these inch-long fish or can they be fried as well?"
- "The rice I put in the pressure cooker has already made 5 whistles... should I take it off now?"
- "Why are these fried onions turning so blackish brown now? Ohh... I should definitely add the fish now? Sure, sure... will do"

Now, I firmly believe in the principle that if something cannot be cooked (from scratch to the plate) in 30 minutes, it is not worth eating. So the lady very patiently explained everything for that whole half hour and then I finally added the fish to the rice and had a morsel or two. You need to thank the Gods, no matter what, especially if the Gods have threatened to not invite you when they cook. So I called her up. "Ooh, guess what? Now I can add to my resume that I have cooked fish once! In fact, if you have life insurance coverage, you should come down here and taste some!". She was very tactful in her reply. She said, "Well, tempting as it sounds, I want to attend school tomorrow and therefore I'll pass this offer". Immediately, the disclaimer followed from her end: "Heh heh he.. just joking, I bet it is nice". All I could say in reply was, "I'd advise you not to put too much money in that bet".

Well, there you go! So now I've officially cooked fish, and yes it did smell like fish. I assure you I was the only one who ate it: my roomies did not venture anywhere nearby. But, here's what the statistics say: 100% of the people who ate it said this was the best thing to have happened since sliced bread. :D

P.S. - This isn't the promised 'juicy' post (although the fish was really juicy!). Hold on for that one... its coming! :D

Random

It feels so good when people I don't know at all send me messages on Orkut asking why there aren't any new posts on the blog. As always, it makes my day; besides a certain 'hmph' from a certain person. Thank you! :)

Then, take a look at this article: Researcher sheds light on increasing 'casual sex' phenomenon. Damn, I say --- where are these mythical girls? How come I never meet any of these?

And my apologies for this placefiller of a post --- I promise something really juicy coming up! :D